TEE’S GIRLIE TEXT CHAT:
Read Tee’s Girlie Text Chat. In part 1 poor old Tee gets dog's muck stuck between her toes and ‘Michael’, who is now ‘Michelle’, does a makeover that nearly results in a coronary. Be warned, it's fast, it's funny, it's completely daft! Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, a snigger is guaranteed, so please let me take you to meet Tee & The Girls (well, sort of girls).
Please come back for part 4 of Girlie Text Chat where Tee will be mistaken for a transvestite and end up upsetting Connor. Will they ever get the date? Read and find out!
- Text: Tee, I got a great new bra from Oxfam!
- Reply: That means somebody else’s breasts have been in it. How could you!
- Text: It makes me look pointed, padded with kitchen roll. Going to 60s night?
- Reply: I am walking the dog then feeding the fish
- Text: Why don’t you come along tonight? Do you good
- Reply: Just had mobile phone bill, staying in until Christmas
- Text: Don’t text me any more then
- Reply: Ok, I won't, just cannot understand why you want pointed breasts
- Text: I am going with Austin Powers, a pretend one, they have to be pointed
- Reply: Ok, anyway want to save bill, email me tomorrow
- Text: Ok Tee, love you. Amelia x
- Reply: Don’t forget to email me tomorrow
- Text: You should be saving your bill?
- Reply: I am now x
- Text: Xx
- Text: Tee, you are funny, stop texting x
- Reply: Ok, just confused about the bra. Could belong to a dead person, be careful
- Text: No it was still in the wrapper it is 22 years old
- Reply: Doesn’t mean it didn’t belong to a dead person though
- Text: Well you go to car boot sales, what is the difference?
- Reply: I like antiques, not other people's underwear. BIG DIFFERENCE!
- Text: You like junk, that old case you bought was full of maggots and mouse droppings
- Reply: It has a purpose, come up great with beeswax, dog lives in it now
- Text: You could have come out with the amount you spend on texting
- Reply: You are texting me first, stop doing it then!
- Text: Ok, I have just found a crocheted waistcoat and waspy belt, looks great with wig and bra
- Reply: Sounds to me as if you are going to enter a Drag Queen competition
- Text: You like drag queens Tee. When Michael from the bank became Michelle you were the only one who sat by him
- Reply: Michelle doesn’t wear second hand bras and is now working on makeovers at Selfridges. I admire her enormously, in fact she fancies me
- Text: Are you a lesbian?
- Reply: No I fancy Jack!
- Text: Look I am going to borrow Jodie’s wig, it’s less matted. Email you in morning
- Reply: Ok have great time, just slipped in some dog's muck, in-between toes. Feel sick. Looking for burdock leaf to cleanse feet
- Text: Go home and wash it off Tee!
- Reply: Am about 2 miles away, got to walk down High Street to get back
- Text: It’s Friday night; you cannot be seen with muck on your toes!
- Reply: Oh God
- Text: What’s the matter?
- Reply: I am dying for the loo
- Text: Go in a pub
- Reply: I stink of muck and what do I do with the dog?
- Text: That dog rules your life
- Reply: He is all I have
- Text: Only because you spend your money texting everybody back
- Reply: I have 90p. I could buy a bag of chips and use paper to go for a tinkle and then wipe poo from toes.
- Text: Ok Tee. You are so funny. Love you. Amelia.x
- Reply: Done it, ruined diet ate the chips too!
- Text: How did you wash your hands?
- Reply: In the fountain by the park, dog jumped in it can’t get him out
- Text: Oh no, just ripped a whole in American tan pantyhose
- Reply: One more question. If you are going to a 60s night why is your bra only 22 years old that makes it 1980s?
- Text: Gosh, never thought of that, what shaped breasts did women have in the 60s?
- Reply: How am I supposed to know?
- Text: You were born around then
- Reply: Not in a bra I wasn’t
- Text: Hi Michelle it's Tee, hope you are doing ok at Selfridges. What sort of breasts did women have in the 60s?
- Reply: HI SUGAR BOTTOM, WELL ACCORDING TO MY HANDBAG SIZE BOOK OF BREAST FASHION, THEY WERE DISTINCTIVELY POINTED AND RATHER FIRM. HOPE THIS HELPS. CANT STOP - DOING AN UNDER EYE CONCEALER FOR A LOVELY OLD MAN.
- Text: Hi Amelia, Michelle says you have the right one, your bosoms have to be pointed yet firm. You will need lots of kitchen roll for the firmness or a couple of tennis balls. Good luck, email me tomorrow got to dash want to speed walk to burn off calories from chips.
- Text: TEE, IT’S MICHAEL, I MEAN MICHELLE, HE WEARS CONTACTS, HOW DO YOU CURE AN ALLERGIC REACION TO SKIN PRODUCTS? HELP!..
- Reply: Throw water into his eyes quick.
- Text: I DID, IT MADE HIM WORSE. I USED CLARIFYING LOTION BY MISTAKE.
- Reply: Stay calm, call an ambulance. DO NOT let him die before it gets there. Email me tomorrow
- Email> Hi Tee, are you still up? Had dreadful night. Austin turned up with a much better Pussy Galore. He asked me if I had come as Mrs Overall from Acorn Antiques. Turned to walk away loosing both tennis balls as Jimmy Hendrix told me my skirt was stuck in my girdle. Amelia x
- Email> Told you wearing dead people's clothes was unlucky. Sleep well my friend. Michelle nearly killed a man earlier. Tell you tomorrow. Tee. x
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Well that’s a little from the girls now. Go to part 2 where things really get messy!
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Tee's Girlie Text Chat
Tee has an admirer with gorgeous teeth and her good friend Michelle who used to be Michael gives Tom Cruise’s bodyguard tips on exfoliation! Read on!
- Email> Hi Tee. James has got a gorgeous friend who wants to meet you. He is loaded with a Lotus Esprit. His mum used to be the Lord Mayor of Kenilworth. Shall I initiate a blind date or will you join us for dinner and meet him then? Let me know, he is sitting next to me x.
- Email> Hi Amelia. What are his teeth like? Tee.
- Text: He can read everything you are saying tee
- Reply: Thank you very much for putting me in an awkward position. The last one you introduced me too had rotten teeth!
- Email> Connor here Tee! Teeth all my own, good condition. Saw your photo on Amelia’s PC. Lovely eyes! C.x
- Text: Amelia, don’t show him the ones of me in that swimsuit. You can see my cellulite!
- Email> PS you look good in a swimsuit, cute polka dots, pink suits you. C.x
- Reply: Sorry Tee, too late
- Text: Wish I had known you were going to spend the evening hanging out my dirty washing, I would have sent you some dirty knickers to analysis between you!
- Reply: Don’t be like that Tee. I want you to find someone special
- Email> Hi Connor. Tee here. Sorry about the teeth, it’s just that I don’t go for chipped brown fang-like features. I once met a man who was gorgeous until he smiled, then not only was his breath pungent but he became Gollum from Lord of The Rings. Even my parents said what an ugly sod he was. I am slightly embarrassed that Amelia has shown you me wearing very little. I do have cellulite; if you look very closely you can just about see it. However due to revolutionary firming cream, it is now under control. My next task is to save up for a tummy tuck and a little liposuction on the outer thighs. Anyway 'less of me.’ What do you do for a living? Does it pay well? Tee Foley. PS take your time replying I have got all night.
- Text: MICHELLE HERE, SOMEONE PULLED MY WIG OFF AT THE BUS STOP
- Reply: Man with nice teeth online
- Text: HOW DOES THAT ADDRESS MY HUMILIAITON !!
- Reply: Carry a toupee or something
- Text: THANKS FOR THE SYMPATHY
- Reply: I told you to glue it on, that double-sided tape is useless. Email me when you get home
- Email> My word, Amelia said you were direct! What a refreshing change. Chuckling away here! Here goes: I work in finance, usually in the city, but commute home most weekends. Yes, I earn an excellent salary but don’t find the time to enjoy the finer things in life due to being a workaholic. However, if I find the right lady that will all change and I will give my heart room to breathe and treat her like a Princess (regardless of cellulite!) So, what makes you tick, Tee? C.x
- Email> Hi Tee, Dreadful day. I did four makeovers, all complained that I had chosen last seasons colours. I denied this until they tried to make purchases only to discover that we are no longer supplying this range (due to being last season's colours.) Saw friend from school who remembered me as a man. He told me this whilst I was talking to Tom Cruise's personal bodyguard about exfoliation, then, to top it all, some hoodlum decided to grab my wig from my skull and throw it onto the top of a bus shelter. My journey home was with very little hair. Sometimes I miss being Michael. Michelle. x
- Email> Hi Connor. Sorry for delay, my friend is online. She used to be a man and her wig is on top of an air raid shelter or something? Apparently Tom Cruise’s bodyguard was in Selfridges today to discuss removing his dead skin cells! What makes me tick? Well, chocolate éclairs and my teddy bear collection. By 'tick' do you mean favourite things or hobbies by the way? Tee. X
- Email> Tee. My God you are cute. Do you think about what you say or does it just happen. So I now know you like éclairs and teddy bears. What are your hobbies? One of mine is Formula 1 racing, another is flying a plane on a clear day. C. x PS I am not aware of any air raid shelters in Warwickshire?
- Email> Hi Shell. Tee here! Sorry about the wig, didn’t mean to offend earlier. Anyway, you need a new one, I prefer you as a brunette. Tell you what let’s go shopping at weekend; find you something special and also some glue.. Got gorgeous man online, he does formula 1 racing in a plane or something! Tee. X
- Email> Hi Connor, sorry, got sidetracked with glue. Hobbies, where do I begin? Well, there isn’t a lot I don’t enjoy doing apart from flying and being in cars with fast drivers. Also not too keen on sunbathing or other people's bad breath in the morning. I don’t like junk food and hate loud music.
- Text: Tee, Connor can’t stop laughing, what are you saying?
- Reply: Haven’t cracked one joke yet - ?
- Email> Good idea. I will see if I can get a replacement wig from Delilah’s Salon until Saturday. Can't go to work with no hair. If not will do a sickie. PS can you lend me £200 until payday am going to buy one made of real hair this time? Shell.
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Read what Tee and the girls get up to next in Part 3 on their fascinating shopping trip to buy a wig.
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Tee's Girlie Text Chat
Read this instalment of how Tee keeps Connor hanging on without even realising he is the best catch on the planet. She turns down a date to get her gold star at Slimming club and her cross dressing friend Michelle, finally gets a new wig made out of real human hair!
- Email> Hi Connor. So sorry I haven’t been in touch for six hours, feet hardly touched the ground. Had to go shopping with Michelle for a wig. It really worries her if she hasn’t got hair. Mind you, I suppose when you turn into a lady, having hair is a big part of the overall look. Have you got any mixed friends? Or are they all high society type people like you? Thanks for your dinner invitation. I will gladly accept but can I lose four pounds as, if I eat out I will ruin my diet, and I get a gold star if I can shift it before Thursday.
Also, what shall we wear? Shall we go smart or smart/casual, very casual or completely over the top? Please give me two week's notice so I can prepare. PS Chinese food gives me dreadful after effects, not too keen on Pizza. Apart from that anything goes, except Indian (for obvious reasons.) nothing worse than having trapped wind whilst trying get all loved up. Anyway I will leave it with you, pretty laid back about the whole thing. Hope you are ok and your Lotus Esprit is running well, how was your salary this month? Tee. X
- Text: Amelia here. What are up to? Connor has been asking you out for over a week now!!
- Reply: Yes, but it's still for the same date. We haven’t been on it yet
- Text: What planet are you on today Tee Foley!
- Email> My Dear Friend Tee Foley. Thank you for lending me the money for my wig made with real hair. Delilah says I look Italian, she has leant me her purple contact lenses and we are off out tonight to do the guest list at Zangs. I am not getting paid but can choose who I want to come in so am going to rub out all men on list and allow entrance to women of all shapes and sizes, transvestites and poofs. It’s about time the place got back to normal. Hope to see you later. Michelle. PS Will pay you back next week. Can I borrow another £10?
- Email> Nice to hear from you Tee. Glad we have a (sort of) arrangement for our first date, albeit in the future, sooner the better for me. Why do girls worry about their weight so much? It’s your eyes I want to see, not your body. Had a terrible day, decided to be more outgoing and do lunch in Soho. Got approached by a very large chap sporting leather, army type outfit that insisted he held the door whilst I went to the toilet. You must be very careful when frequenting these places. I only ordered a glass of water and it came with a chunk of pineapple, two umbrellas and a glacier cherry? The barman said I didn’t have to pay as pretty boys get one free drink on the house. My boss loved it there though, he is going back after work with a lad from the office.
Re: Dress codes on night out, I usually wear jeans and a linen shirt, Italian shoes and cashmere socks. Will this do? If so, any particular colour? Oh and do you like Japanese food? Yours, Connor. X
- Email> Hello Parents. Sorry I have been distant. I spend most of my time attending to wigs and dieting. Met this lovely man, well haven’t actually met, but nearly going to! Just a case of deciding on a suitable time to fit around Slimming Club. He went to Soho today and got a chunk of pineapple and a glacier cherry free of charge! Was going out with Michelle tonight but she has purple eyes so decided to stay at home and sort knickers out. Amelia says that I should go all thongs, as this way you can never get caught off guard. Trouble is I only have four pairs so must find website for replacements. Did Aunty Amy get her waterbed? Your loving daughter Tee Foley.
PS can I borrow some money please, everybody has taken mine. Can pay you back on Michelle’s payday. Should get £1,500 then, well hopefully. She does get rather forgetful now she is a woman.
- Email> Hi Connor. Gosh what a day you have had but wow, free pineapple. I love pineapple. Got lots of emails to send, telling everybody about you and our date. Actually I am becoming so excited by the idea I may not attend slimming club next week and just eat fruit, this way I can have a starter or dessert with my meal. As for your suggestions of attire, sounds wonderful. I have never dated a man who wears cashmere socks - this will be a first! Michelle is doing a guest list later, she is changing the way that the whole club is run as the manager is away for two weeks. I really admire her for this. I should imagine she will remove Sky Sports from the lounge area as this is mainly for men and as from tonight there wont be any. My aunty has got a waterbed, don’t know why as she had to take Sea Legs the last time she tried one out but apparently it is good for sexual tension and she says that after four weeks of this she will be fit for a world cruise. I suppose it is a good way to overcome travel sickness? Anyway going to find some thongs. Tee. x
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Please come back for part 4 of Girlie Text Chat where Tee gets mistaken for a transvestite and once more disappoints Connor by spoiling their date - will romance ever happen for the doomed couple or does it just get worse? Read on and find out...
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Tee's Girlie Text Chat
Read Part 4 of Tee’s antics with her friends. The fastest chat on the planet; are you hooked yet! Thanks to Michelle’s PVC platform boots especially made for Podium Dancing, Tee finds herself stranded in Birmingham wearing her favourite cashmere gloves whilst Connor has had just about enough of her blaze nature... Enjoy the next instalment for the latest in the hectic world of Tee Foley.