favourite jokes

Most jokes don’t make me laugh at all and there’s nothing worse than a bloke who spends most of his time down the pub telling one gag after another. However, every now and again, I do hear a joke that manages to give me a really conceited chuckle. So here are a few I have collected from online buddies and real life friends. But you have to excuse me, as I can never remember them exactly how they were told to me, so, here’s my version (that, in any case - I think is much funnier.)

Can you do better? Please, get in touch...

Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly - I want you to relax."

He sighed and then continued "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...we should put all these Frosties back in the box!"

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Two blondes are happily walking through the woods and as they approach a clearing of trees one looks down and says to her friend, "Oh, look at the deer tracks".

The other blonde looks towards the ground and says, "Those aren't deer tracks, they are wolf tracks. How scary!"

"No. Those are deer tracks," She replies to her confused chum.

They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later a train kills them both.

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until a concerned eyewitness with a mobile phone called 999, alerting the police. Soon after a panda car pulled the car over.

A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, and then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"

The officer looks at her disapprovingly whilst shaking his head, then replies, "Madam, that's your air freshener."

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What does a postcard from a blonde’s holiday say?

Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Tee x

Two bored male croupiers are waiting at the table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived at the casino, sat down at the table and bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, I need new diamonds!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the bedazzled croupiers and then picked up her winnings before grabbing her clothes from the floor then quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one asked the other, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral of the story -

’Not all blondes are dumb, but sadly, all men are just men.’

Tee Foley x

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BAD HABIT RABBIT

One lucky day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born & brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet & saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

'Wow, this is great,' he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw lots of other bunny rabbits, all free & nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory & I’ve escaped. Are you wild rabbits?'

'Yes. Come & join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them & started eating the grass. It tasted so good!

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up & eat them.'

This he couldn't resist & he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuces growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good & he returned a while later completely full.

'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him & spoke softly.

'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there?' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning bonking his little heart out until, completely knackered; he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic!' he panted with delight.

'So, are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I just can’t.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, completely gob-smacked. I mean how could any bunny refuse such a glorious lifestyle?

'Why? We thought you liked it here?’ They asked him!

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!'

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Being a Penis - Warning, very rude!

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

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Jokes from our reader, Moldwarp

If your woman’s over weight, get her to walk two miles in the morning and two miles at night and by the end of the week the fat cow will be twenty-eight miles away.

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A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mum answered, "Not yet."

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get some work done on his penis. The doctor, after close examination, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I took it away then slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Aw hell," the patient explained........... "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

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Cinderella was now seventy-five years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish. "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I was young and full of beauty again."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful face returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years, and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to run through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again, "You have one more wish. What shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over at Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I wish for you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent such a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that when he stood before her. He was a boy, so beautiful the like of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leaned close to her ear.... and whispered ...with his warm breath... "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable.

He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable.

Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two.

He turns to Satan and says, "I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"

Thank you Moldwarp - very good !!

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GORGEOUS SAYINGS:

I am guilty of daydreaming rather a lot. This is not a blessing but more of a curse, as, while I should be giving the company I keep my full attention, my eyes wander and I soon have my audience’s eyes wandering with me as to establish what seems more interesting than they are? If you are one of these people - I am truly sorry but then I am Tee Foley - I just can’t help it.

Basically, put me anywhere and I just can’t stop listening in on conversations, talking to strangers and being generally, far too nosey. I do try to change as I have made myself the ultimate ‘Bad Date’ on all too many occasions.

However, it is during my daydreaming that I find myself in receipt of the most gorgeous sayings that seem to spring from nowhere. I know we probably all have them so you really should jot them down - as it seems that these modest sayings can often give you more advice than an entire book.

Tee Foley June 2005

My Sayings

"Life’s a lesson so learn it well"

"If we were all born according to our stars, then surely we should all learn how to sparkle"

"Yesterday was then; last year was even further away. Get on with today and make it right for tomorrow"

"Dreams are good because for every ten, one must come true"

"Nobody told me how to be a mum - I just do it as best I can and I know I get it wrong sometimes"

"I would rather give my heart than try to find it."

"We must enjoy being ourselves because one day we won’t be here at all."

© Tee Foley 2005

Other people’s sayings

"If you love something - let it go. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it never was in the first place" - Anon

"My home is in my head" - Bob Marley

"Life is a matter of choice, not a matter of luck" - David Wells 2005 www.davidwells.co.uk

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