The Revolting Adventures of Dotty & Stella
Adventure 1: Doing Lunch
Dotty knows she is no oil painting but really doesn’t care as she always gets her own way. In fact, Dotty is often glad she has a sinister face as this way people are afraid of her and tend to do as they are told (especially Percy who is eighty-four years of age and sleeps in the attic at Smoked Salmon Cottage).
Dotty’s real name is Clementine Dorothea Ermintrude Gristle but not many people know that. This is why she is recognized as Dotty Giselle. Her parents called her Clementine as she was conceived in an orchard somewhere in Spain. They couldn’t remember where so instead of naming her after a pretty Spanish village they called her Clementine. Her brother is named Morris and they never did sell the car. In fact Percy has kept the Morris Minor in perfect condition and on special occasions he drives it to London to visit his best friend, the Queen of England.
Apart from Stella, Percy is the best friend Dotty has ever had. It is a great pity that Dotty doesn’t like him very much, but then, she doesn’t seem too keen on anybody - not even the Royal Family because, according to Dotty, the Royal Family never get into really bad trouble, they don’t know how to have a good time and should wear denim and leather on the odd occasion to prove that they are individuals.
Dotty hates washing powder, despises soap and the only time she is nice to people is if they have lots of money, or are extremely unusual or most essentially if they are famous and not very nice. Dotty thinks she has lots of connections but people only attend her parties because they find her and her friends exceptionally bizarre. In fact her celebrations are so remarkable that they are often featured in Hello & OK Magazine. The last article was called, ‘Here is Another Bash from Lurch.’ And on the front cover there was a picture of Dotty wearing a dinner suit. In fact she was tiny compared to Lurch (from The Addams Family) and probably much uglier as she had a great big, green blister right on the end of her nose.
Dotty’s parties are more outrageous than even Elton John's and, do you know what? She actually refused Victoria and David an invitation despite the fact that they offered her £10,000 to be seen at her most recent outdoor event. The Mail reported, ‘Beckhams Turned Down by The Hunchback of Wellsbottom.’ Dotty thought this was very funny and claimed it was because Victoria never laughed from her stomach and didn’t go on benders like other people in magazines.
Dotty Giselle Smoked Salmon Cottage Herring Village Wellsbottom
Phone Number: Withheld
Email: No thanks
Dear Mr & Mrs Beckham,
Sorry to disappoint you but Madam has declined your offer to appear at her African Violets' Launch Party. We are overrun with requests from famous people but unfortunately unless we buy the adjoining field there won’t be enough ground space to accommodate all of you. I will, however, put you on our cancellation list should Andrew Lloyd Webber not bring the entire cast of Mamma Mia, or is it Cats? Also may I wish you every success with Gardeners World, it’s a great programme, but I do miss Alan Titchmarsh. Are you associated with Richard & Judy Parker Bowles? I get very confused these days.
Yours truly,
Percy Ambrose - Butler, Gardener, Chauffeur, Chef, Waiter - friend of The Queen.
PS Madam requests no reply necessary, as she doesn’t like you.
‘Percy, when you have posted that letter I want you to do something magical with the sheep dip,’ shouted Dotty from the bathroom.
You see Dotty wanted to look exceptional for the party so was clipping her talon-like toenails in the bath. Some of the grubby things were more than three inches long! Dotty wouldn’t have bothered, but her special footwear would not fit otherwise and everything had to be just right for the big occasion held at Smoked Salmon Cottage that weekend.
Stella Beak was in Dotty’s kitchen deciding what to prepare for lunch.
‘Who wants prune salad?’ yelled Stella as she stooped over the draining board preparing lunch with a blunt knife.
‘Not for me Madam,’ replied Percy as he grabbed his skateboard before dashing out of the back door.
‘Sounds scrumptious my dear,’ shouted Dotty. ‘There is half a Savoy cabbage in the airing cupboard: it will go nicely with that. It can be our treat for the day.’
The repulsive old ladies tucked into lunch whilst chatting about Dotty’s pride and joy. A diversity not to be missed, her much loved house plant that she had devotedly cultivated from seed, whilst Stella finished off the handmade invitations with her glitter stick and red cardboard.
‘Dotty, do you think people will notice the bits of salad that got caught in the glitter or does it look intentionally stylish?’ she asked as she held the scruffy invite up to the window.
Without looking, Dotty replied, ‘as long as you mention the dress code I don’t care.'
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Adventure 2: The Launch
The day had finally arrived. It was set to be one of one of Dotty’s proudest moments. She smugly hosted the launch of her very own African violet. You see, Dotty, despite being a haggard, spiteful old lady, loves flowers and she had managed to cultivate a unique variety of bloom. Two hundred people were invited to the observance, although two hundred and five turned up so Dotty ordered Percy to lock the excess amount in the potting shed, allowing one out each time a guest left, which they often did.
Patrick Moore was most annoyed about this as he has a peat allergy, although he agreed to wait since he enjoyed the blue, purple and pink petals and furry stems of the African violet and was keen to get some tips on propagation.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Stella banged her tankard on the chipped French marble table in the vestibule. Nobody listened. ‘LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!’
Then taking her whistle from her corduroy bum bag covered in purple glitter she blew it loudly. The guests turned to Stella in astonishment but above her voice you could hear Patrick Moore screaming, ‘LET ME OUT,’ followed by lots of sneezes.
‘Percy can you please use your water pistol on Mr Moore until he calms down. Should do the trick, if not he will have to be sent home!’ ordered Stella.
It wasn’t unusual to hear people in distress during events held at Smoked Salmon Cottage. The guests in the hut were mortified to be blasted by a little old man in a purple cape.
Stella continued. ‘Now, please be quiet and let me tell you all about the unveiling that will shortly take place.’
It was hard for the visitors to concentrate, as not only were they afraid of Stella, they were also taken aback by her appearance. She hadn’t shaved her beard and there were lots of little bugs in it. She had a purple rinse on her tightly set hair and wore a skin-tight purple lycra body suit. She looked ridiculous; you could see the chunky ripples of fat hanging from her stomach, the lump on her back even bigger than ever.
Stella doesn’t own a pair of purple shoes and would never dream of buying anything new. All of her clothes come from jumble sales apart from gifts she has received and that isn’t very often. So instead she wore a pair of purple fluffy slippers that had bits of food and muck stuck to them. You see, Stella never takes her slippers off, not even when she is digging the garden or on her bicycle; she has over 100 pairs and never washes any of them!
Several visitors didn’t wait for Stella to finish her speech; on seeing her garb together with bugs jumping from her facial hair (some going into her mouth) they felt brutally unwell so left immediately. Patrick Moore and the other prisoners were most pleased to be let out.
Stella continued, ‘Dotty and I would like to thank all of you for wearing purple or blue. I am sure you will agree, my attire has caught the moment to perfection. Please... no photographs until after the unveiling, as I don’t want to detract from the beauty of Dotty’s most recent creation.’ Stella passed wind before she continued. ‘Our indigo friends, please give our hostess, Dotty Giselle, a warm round of applause!’
There was a scraping sound from the balcony above, followed by a worn little figure grabbing onto the banister followed by gasps from the audience then Percy yelled, ‘Madam, YOU look wonderful!’
He proudly made known, ‘we put purple food colouring in the sheep dip! She’s come up a treat.’
Dotty was indeed patchy purple all over wearing only a cerise pink swimsuit that was far too small, and to complete the look she had bright blue plimsolls that she had coloured in herself with a felt tip pen.
Anne Diamond put her hand to her mouth as she tried not to laugh; then, lo and behold Dotty slipped on the first stair, tumbling to the bottom.
She quickly shot up before saying to her guests, ‘I always do that at my parties. Sometimes I pretend to die too.’ Dotty could be very horrible and was always full of surprises.
Dotty shuffled with her buttocks clenched towards the altar in the snug. The guests remained silent whilst Percy took off his purple cape and balaclava then handed out the champagne to toast the unveiling, wearing his favourite stripy blue pyjamas.
Stella began a ten second count down.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen,’ she proudly announced while dropping lots of tiny windy pops due to the increased anticipation, ‘this is going to be the most magnificent time of your lives.’
Percy had to sit down as he was trembling with keenness; they had rehearsed this moment all week and it was going so well. The moment arrived and Dotty dribbled as she sharply tugged the old blanket that covered her prize possession, revealing the violet to her uneasy guests.
There it was: unlike any other bloom the visitors had seen before. Firstly it was a metre high: it had a stem like an amaryllis and a head like a triffid, it was a mucky shade of purple with fangs, and trapped in its petals were insects, some barely alive, others half eaten.
Emma Bunton started crying and had to be taken home, as it was by far the most horrid example of a plant she had ever seen, but Patrick Moore, who was still soaking wet, loved it.
‘HOW ON EARTH DID YOU FERTILISE THAT?’ he shouted whilst scrutinizing it with his bifocal.
‘The secret’s in the manure,’ replied Dotty whilst rubbing her tiny hands together, her eyes bulging and bloodshot. ‘I make it myself. It’s potty fed - we should all keep bedpans for this kind of thing, then you too could enjoy this magnificent growth.’
‘And eat lots of prunes!’ added the forever-windy Stella.
The guests were disgusted but Dotty thought it was very funny, and Stella was crying she loved it so much. Alan Titchmarsh put down his drink and marched out of the house in repugnance while Percy put on his cape and chased him for his autograph (even though he didn’t know who he was).
It was a very odd evening but Dotty & Stella thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
‘The press didn’t stay for long, did they Stella?’ said Dotty while sipping her sherry. ‘They were the ones locked in the shed, they got wet.’ Stella replied.
The next day The Mail reported: ‘The Freaks of Wellsbottom Reveal Death Plant to Purple Celebrities’ And on the front page was a photograph of Dotty’s head next to the carnivorous plant. Dotty’s twelve brown teeth looked darker than ever, there was a great big bogey on her nose and in the background you could just catch a glimpse of Stella’s hump.
Stella cut out the picture and made a cardboard frame out of the remaining invitation sheets, and then she put glitter glue all around the edge. They put it on the fireplace in the snug and both sat staring at the masterpiece.
When Percy arrived home from his skating session he covered each of the snoring ladies in a blanket, then went up to the attic to dream about the wonderful evening. He looked at his autograph album: it had hundreds of names in it but he didn’t recognise any of them.
‘Who is Jordan?’ he thought to himself and then he nodded off.
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Adventure 3: Mr Thimble
One fine spring day the two peculiar old ladies were in the orchard collecting apples for Percy to make a crumble for supper. Stella and Dotty don’t remember how they met or exactly when it was but they have never been apart since.
‘It's funny how things happen isn’t it?’ said Dotty as she threw a mouldy apple into the neighbour’s garden. ‘Things like, how you won't go away.’
Stella thought for a while then answered, 'Do you want me to go away then?'
‘Yes,’ said Dotty.
‘Ok,’ replied Stella.
Then they both started laughing raucously as they threw all of the bad apples into the garden next door.
‘Stop it you haggard old witches!’ yelled Mr Thimble as he ran out of his house wearing a crash helmet and waving his walking stick above his protected skull. Stella aimed an apple at Mr Thimble’s head and hurled it hard.
‘You twisted old fools,’ he yelled before hobbling back into his cottage. Then the ladies went inside to have some tripe and custard for lunch.
Soon after, Percy interrupted their break by announcing that somebody had thrown several rotten eggs at the Morris Minor but Dotty and Stella didn’t tell him that it was probably Mr Thimble seeking revenge.
‘You can catch all kinds of nasty diseases eating pigs' brains you know,’ said Percy whilst slicing some mouldy bread at the rickety kitchen table.
Dotty scowled at him with custard dribbling down her chin and, while chewing a mouthful of tripe, replied, 'We never get colds and I still have all of my own teeth, so shut up.'
‘Sorry Madam,’ replied Percy wondering how she could be so proud of her jagged brown teeth.
Later that afternoon there was a knock at the door. Dotty hated visitors unless they were formally invited and that wasn’t very often. Who dared intrude on their seclusion?
‘Quick - hide,’ she said to Stella.
They speedily scrambled underneath the kitchen table but the caller was not going away. Another loud knock at the door and seconds later they heard the gate open! Whoever it was had let themselves in via the backdoor. How scary! There was a scraping of a chair and Stella saw one of the kitchen seats slide away from the table, then appeared a pair of tartan slippers with holes in the toes. The stranger began to bend down. Dotty and Stella curled into little balls trying their best to look like piles of smelly old clothes.
‘So there you are, you wretched women.’ It was Mr Thimble. ‘Get from under there and stop being so foolish will you?’
Dotty thought for a while about what she could throw at him but nothing came to hand. Mr Thimble stood in his helmet and protective glasses as to evade attack. ‘I have made you some apple wine,’ he said as he held out a bottle of cloudy tonic. ‘I thought I may as well make full use of your apples so I am calling a truce.’
Dotty and Stella preferred sherry but as this was free they made an allowance.
‘Why are you being nice to us?’ asked Stella suspiciously whilst blushing a little.
‘Simple,’ replied Mr Thimble, 'if I didn’t have you two I would be bored stiff. I like our combats, it is quite exciting. Anyway, chin chin ladies.’ And off he went.
Dotty and Stella sat for a while, looking at the apple wine before deciding whether they should trust Mr Thimble especially as they had forgotten to invite him to The Purple Party and they never sent him Christmas cards.
‘Why don’t we just have a small sherry glass each?’ suggested Dotty. So they both took a tiny sip of the wine and to their surprise it was delightful. Sweet yet crisp and full of the sharp flavour of apples. The second glass went down marvellously. Suddenly Dotty felt quite overwhelmed, gorgeous; in fact never could she recall feeling so amazing.
‘I want to dance,’ she revealed as she leapt up and rummaged through the kitchen drawer for Percy’s Sugababes CD then fumbled with the portable player pressing each button until it worked, but Stella became aware of having a very itchy nose. The more she scratched it, the more it tickled. Jumping to look in the mirror she was horrified to see that her nose and ears were covered in orange spots. Lots of them!
‘Dotty I am going orange and green!’ she yelled but Dotty couldn’t hear as she was running around the kitchen table, waving her hands above her head - not realising that she too had changed colour.
Hearing the screams and the sound of his favourite CD, Percy dropped his chamois leather and went running into the cottage. Aghast with what he saw, both Dotty and Stella were tearing around the kitchen covered in bright orange dots and both were distinctively green in colour! Percy didn’t know whether to call a doctor a vet or the police so he did none of those. Instead he took the hosepipe and decided to calm them down by squirting them with water, as both ladies hated being wet. Mr Thimble chuckled from behind the fence as he heard the commotion.
‘That’ll teach the horrid old idiots,’ he thought.
‘Please Mr Thimble,’ begged Dotty at the top of her voice, ‘if you are hiding out there, we are sorry and if you make us go back to our normal colour we will never throw anything at you again!’
‘Not ever, we promise,’ added windy Stella.
Mr Thimble yelled over, 'Only a hot bath and lots of soap would make your spots go away!’
So for the first time in years Dotty and Stella had to have a really good wash and now Mr Thimble doesn’t ever wear a crash helmet. Percy thought it was quite funny but didn’t like to comment so decided to make his crumble and then write to The Queen.
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Percy Ambrose
The Attic
Smoked Salmon Cottage
Herring Village
Wellsbottom
Phone Number: I don’t know
Email: I would like one
Dear Your Majesty, Time has flown since I last brought you news of the village and not much has changed here. Morris is ready for a run to London so maybe we could take some cucumber sandwiches and have a picnic? I met some more celebrities a while ago, cannot remember precisely when, but I do have autographs.
The ladies are taking up a great deal of my time but I am grateful for my skateboard and the milder weather. Did you manage to buy those roller blades that you didn’t get for your birthday?
Anyway Your Royal Highness, here’s to old friends. I toast a Pimms and will see you when Madam takes leave to Blackpool, that is if I can convince them to go away for a week. Your Best Friend - Percy Ambrose.
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Adventure 4: The Fair at Herring Village
‘Guess what?’ said Percy with delight while flipping his skateboard up into his arms. ‘The fair is here!!’
It was the first time Herring Village had been visited by the fairground and certainly an occasion not to be missed. Stella rushed to change from her slippers into something more colourful while Dotty poured a cranky plant pot full of change and spiders into the pockets of her tatty yellow and pink anorak, before putting on her filthy red Wellington boots that were far too big for her.
Within minutes the three of them were heading towards the village green. Percy skated ahead as Dotty and Stella held hands and shuffled. Stella was so excited she had terrible wind while Dotty had butterflies and couldn’t stop grunting. They could hear the loud music and see the top of the Big Wheel. As they got closer they could no longer contain themselves. Stella ran straight for the bumper cars, pushed two children from the cockpit and scrambled in.
‘You can’t do that!’ said the ticket master.
‘Oh yes I can - watch me,’ she scowled, dribbling profusely.
‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by the Prodigy bellowed out as Stella put her foot right down, spinning 180 degrees. No matter how hard she tried she could not stop going round in circles, causing sparks to fly from the tracks overhead.
She swiftly mastered the steering though and shot off at high speed in the opposite direction to everybody else.
The other people had great pleasure in colliding with her car but Stella kept her foot right down. Stella has never been a good sport so decided to put out her fist and wallop those who headed for her.
Before long nearly everybody was in tears and Stella thought it was very amusing. The ride ground to a halt as she was greeted with loud boos and hissing from angry onlookers. She scrambled out of her car and, waving her fists at the fuming crowd, hobbled off to find the others.
‘MADAM!’ Percy screamed, ‘OVER HERE!’
Stella scurried towards the crowd of mounting spectators. Looking up she saw Dotty harnessed, ready for a bungee jump. As Dizzy Rascal thumped out the bass, Dotty leapt towards the ground, her skirt shot above her head like a tent showing her filthy long johns and hairy legs. It was a dreadful sight, and was followed by dozens of pound coins and dead spiders flying from her pockets hitting the crowd below.
‘I DON’T LIKE IT - I DON’T LIKE IT - I DON’T LIKE IT!’ she yelled over and over again.
Eyes bulging from their sockets and hair standing on end, she headed towards the onlookers before bouncing back up towards the sky - the next time coming down even faster.
Spotting Percy waving frantically from the ground she screamed, ’MAKE THEM STOP!’
And as she headed towards earth she reached towards Percy and grabbed his ears with great strength before bouncing back up - taking terrified Percy with her. The fairground was brought to a standstill as the crowd watched in amazement while others scrambled for the carpet of coins below her. The screams could be heard above the loud music. Percy’s cap flew off as he clung to her skirt for dear life.
‘LET GO OF MY EARS YOU DAMN FOOL!’ This was the first time he had ever yelled at Madam but he feared for his life.
Stella loved every minute. Suddenly a gust of wind, together with the G Force of their struggling, catapulted them even further towards the stars. It was an amazing spectacle that could be seen for miles around. The police were even alerted after somebody claimed to have seen a huge yellow and pink bird with red feet flying without wings and carrying a little old man by his ears whilst showering the village with golden nuggets. The ride operators were amazed as nothing like this had EVER happened before. One of them rushed onto the safety net to grab Percy’s ankles and hopefully grind them to a halt. Sadly his attempts failed and he too was soon gripping on for his life.
‘GET OFF ME,’ Dotty yelled as she tried to push Percy and the other poor man away.
Off flew her skirt as the two men fell towards the net and all that could be seen was poor Dotty still upside down in her filthy long johns - bouncing uncontrollably.
‘We’ll have to cut the rope!’ yelled a fire officer: by now all emergency services were at the scene.
Stella was jumping for joy and enjoying the rave music and Percy lay dazed on the ground as he received first aid. The rope was cut and Dotty plunged back to earth, crashing down onto the net. She was immediately wrapped in a blanket and treated for shock.
‘Is it a man or a woman?’ a child asked.
‘I don’t know?’ replied his mother.
‘It’s a real monster,’ another boy exclaimed.
‘Perhaps it came from the ghost train!’ shouted his friend.
Several other people also had minor injuries as a result of the flying coins.
The police escorted Dotty, Stella and Percy away from the fair and made them promise never to return. Stella had a written warning for being ferocious towards other people on the bumper cars and Percy was told not to skateboard without a helmet. Dotty didn’t really need telling off as she had lost her voice and was trembling all over but the police did suggest she put her skirt back on before walking home as it was an offence to walk around in undergarments.
On arriving back at Smoked Salmon Cottage, Percy bathed his swollen ears whilst Stella told Dotty how brilliant she looked soaring above the village wearing her Day-Glo anorak and Wellington boots. I don’t think any of them will forget their trip to the fair, and I certainly don’t doubt that the fair will ever forget them either.
The Mail reported: ‘Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Dotty Giselle’
And there was a photograph of her swinging helplessly in her dirty long johns. Stella made another picture from it and put it on the table with the African violet. It looked revolting.
Percy tried to cheer Dotty up with a holiday brochure he had under his bed.
‘Look Madam, this is Blackpool and there is a Pleasure Beach there with much bigger and safer rides.’
Dotty snatched the brochure from him and went to her bedroom in a bad mood. Her penny pot was empty and she still felt sick but she was brave, she didn’t cry, well not until she got in to her room.
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Adventure 5: The Pink Coat
‘Get up you lazy old woman,’ said Dotty as she stood over Stella’s bed with a hard-boiled egg and soldiers. ‘It’s your birthday and we are going shopping.’
Now this was very rare. You see, the two women hate new belongings and if they run low on supplies they root around in Stella’s bungalow where they store junk - stuff like old electrical equipment, balls of wool and tinned meat (some over thirty years old).
Stella cannot recall when she left the bungalow but she doesn’t like it very much. It smells of mothballs and the doors hang from their hinges. The taps don’t work and the toilet won’t flush - but they still use it.
Stella thought that maybe somebody who didn’t want the bungalow gave it to her, as she cannot remember whether she ever lived there. You see Dotty & Stella cannot bear to be apart, not even for one day and this day was special. Stella was seventy years of age so Dotty decided to spend some of her huge wealth and buy her a new coat.
Dotty and Stella never tell anybody about their birthdays as they lie about their age. They believe they look much younger so have decided to remain forty-five forever.
Stella sat up in her winceyette nightdress that had beetroot stains down the front and while rubbing her crusty eyes she asked, ‘What is this for you lumpy old hag?’ Stella is never nice in the mornings. ‘You are seventy today, get up and eat your eggs before they go hard.’
Dotty knew that the eggs were three months out of date but she didn’t care.
Later that morning Percy tooted the horn. ‘All aboard,’ he proudly shouted.
The Morris Minor was spotless and Percy wore his best tweed suit and matching cap. As a special treat Dotty allowed Stella to sit in the front.
‘You could have shaved your beard for the occasion,’ said Dotty, ‘and look at your filthy slippers.’
‘I have a beard?’ questioned Stella.
Percy pulled down the sun visor so that Stella could see her vulgar face in the mirror. ‘Oh no, oh fiddle sticks, I forgot about that, turn back. I cannot be seen like this.’
‘You could visit the barbers and have a wet shave,’ suggested Percy.
On entering the shop the barber gasped, put his hands to his mouth and said, ‘Good grief! I cannot possibly touch that, it’s full of living bugs!’
Dotty stepped forward and whispered in his ear. The barber then agreed to shave Stella’s face but he wore rubber gloves and a protective mask. Stella looked years younger without her facial mane but felt the cold air hitting her tough old face.
‘I can’t promise I will keep on top of it,’ she grumpily announced.
‘Oh yes you will’ said Dotty, ‘that cost me £500!’
‘Is this your car sir?’ asked the traffic warden.
‘It certainly is and I am most proud of it,’ replied Percy as he lifted his cap.
‘Well it’s parked on double yellow lines so I am afraid I will have to fine you.’
‘Oh no you won’t’ said Dotty and she whispered in his ear before signing another cheque.
The traffic warden agreed to four hours of free parking.
‘Walk behind us,’ Dotty ordered Percy.
‘Yes Madam, of course. May I ask why?’
‘Well two ladies with an escort is hardly going to find us admirers is it? I mean they may think you are courting one of us.’
Percy knew this was highly unlikely but nevertheless granted her wish. It wasn’t until he walked behind them that he realised how strange they looked. Both were bent over, Stella’s hump was clearly noticeable and Dotty leant to one side dragging her feet.
‘Madam’, shouted Percy. ‘I really would like to buy Stella some shoes if I may, I fear that slippers are not appropriate for public events such as this.’
Stella shot around to face Percy.
‘SHOES!’ she screamed, ‘there is not one pair of shoes that will be as dazzling as these slippers.’
In the shoe shop Dotty whispered to the sales lady then handed her a cheque. The sales lady explained to Stella that they had a new range of shoes that looked just like slippers but were even more comfortable. Stella agreed that is was like walking on air so Percy paid for them - little did he know that Dotty had already paid her £500.
The threesome headed towards the indoor shopping pavilion greeted by odd stares from passers by. Suddenly Stella stopped in her tracks, and gasped as she touched the shop window. ‘I love it,’ she exclaimed while pressing her dirty nose against the window and passing wind with the excitement.
The mannequin was wearing a faded long fluffy pink coat; it had a green felt collar and blue cuffs. It was ghastly, positively horrendous.
Percy looked up and saw the sign. ‘Fancy Dress Hire.’
‘Ladies - wait!’ he tried to catch their attention but they were already inside the shop.
‘I want to buy that coat in the window’, demanded Stella whilst holding Dotty’s hand, the two ladies bent over the counter as they scowled at the man.
‘But Madam’ said the shopkeeper, ‘it’s simply not for sale’.
And before he had chance to explain that it was only for hire, Dotty whispered into his ear and gave him a cheque. Stella tried on the coat and it was far too big, it looked shocking.
‘Would you like to try our elfin range of hats and boots to go with it?’ asked the shopkeeper.
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ snapped Stella Beak. ‘I have a lovely yellow rain hat that I will wear. Where do elves come into it you fool?’
The shopkeeper didn’t say a word and felt quite sick as they scuffled out of the store, in fact he had to shut the shop and have a cup of tea, then call his wife.
‘Hi Darling, listen. I have just sold that faded elf outfit for £500 to some weird goblin type folk!’
Feeling hungry, the three shoppers decided to visit a prestigious restaurant. The head waiter dashed towards them.
‘I’m sorry ladies,’ he said uneasily. ‘I am afraid you are breaking our dress code. We are a low-key establishment entertaining only the more well known and those in media’.
Dotty whispered something in his ear and then handed him a cheque so the waiter put them in the corner and then covered them with a French screen.
‘They probably don’t want us to be niggled by the paparazzi,’ said Dotty self-righteously as she ate her rare steak with her grubby fingers.
Stella felt like a million dollars in her new leather slippers and fake fur as she tucked into her Cumberland sausage.
On arriving back at Smoked Salmon Cottage Percy presented Stella with his homemade chocolate cake. It ended up being covered in wax as the seventy candles took Stella over ten minutes to blow out, but it was worth it. Stella went off to bed still wearing her coat that was covered in candle wax, chocolate and onion gravy.
‘I only spent £4000 pounds today,’ boasted Dotty. ‘On her 65th Birthday I used up a whole chequebook.’
‘Yes Madam,’ replied Percy, ‘but we spent four days in town trying to convince her that she looked ridiculous in her cycling shorts and house coat.’
‘Percy,’ said Dotty in a rather more timorous voice than usual.
‘If I say something to you will you try to forget it?’
‘Yes Madam,’ he replied whilst lighting his pipe.
‘I do sometimes think of you as a friend you know.’
Percy didn’t say anything.
‘I do feel we all need a holiday, we aren’t getting any younger are we, and I am sure Stella will want to wear her new coat and leather shoes?’
‘Yes Madam,’ replied Percy.
More than anything he needed a break but didn’t like to say he had no intention of going with them. This was due to past experiences - ones that he chose to forget.
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If you want more adventures do let me know.
Tee Foley x