Tee's Diaries

Read how a typical 'Tee' year kicked off for me with a little bit more to follow. Whether you are a parent, singleton, general dogsbody or just too busy to find love - there is bound to be something to follow that will entertain you. Happy giggles!

Junk Food

Inky Leaves Teddy with Neighbours

Snogging Italians

Women of the Night & Superstars

Been Dumped & Friend’s Dog Dead

Red Lingerie & Camelot

Why Do Men Prefer Udders?

Single Mummy in Big Black Gorgeous Boots!

The Best Yet for ‘Very Nice People’

Sunday 11th January

Junk Food

Phew, it’s over. Another festive season fulfilling the multiple roles of single parent, divorcee, unattached individual, general dogsbody = invisible. Having not been invited to even one party, spent New Year's Eve in my boudoir drinking Chablis, surrounded by several raucous celebrations taking place on my supposed upmarket ‘rural’ estate that costs me a bloody fortune in rates for the privilege. A development on which, I must assume, I’m the only single person?

My sole distraction - watching Inky (my dog) perform repeated full on sex with his crimbo pressie - a stuffed Westland Terrier, now complete with stuffing hanging shamefully from bottom and looking rather dishevelled. (Well, at least one of us has been having fun.)

Text> mum can you pick us up

Reply> gosh no, am very tipsy

This week noticed roots in mirror before deciding I must make a concerted effort to get extra lift in my hair so as to conceal all re-growth and there’s nothing worse than having to fluff yourself up more than you want to! How crass but hey-ho, it’s a case of juggling the money pot, and my particular little pot is for such necessities as bus fare for my gorgeous boys & unannounced veterinary fees for my little Inky!

Mental note: Will call my moby hairdresser- make appointment after payday.

Not a bad first week back to the grindstone, not particularly good either but made headway. Boss remembered my name. Adrian, I love him even though he is married but hey, I should think we all have our fantasies? He has photo of wife on desk - I am defo superior and have probably endured a whole lot more than she could ever imagine. Will spend forthcoming week making additional effort with my appearance, maybe wear jacket to suit - Cum on!!

Mental note: Hope it’s still same shade of black - if not will boil it on hot wash to complement trousers that have been worn several times more.

Inky’s been off colour, think it’s due to leftovers as I realised Jez (youngest son, age 15) has been hiding the meals he told me were ‘delicious’ under bed - many now several days old. Discovered this when I borrowed Rose’s steam cleaner, sucked up half a Cumberland sausage. Wow, did it make a noise as the suction attacked it! Borrowed cleaner in the first place to get rid of poo stains thanks to dog’s loose bowels. Vicious circle really - very frustrating.

Mental note: will start eating at table. Must find my dinner mats. At least now I know that my plates aren’t being stolen, they are under Jez’s bed - not hormones making me go mad after all! J

Drove sons to Milton Keynes (hour from Warwick) as they were told of good skate spots. Spent four hours shopping - didn’t want to wait in car. Decided to buy new hipster style jeans having lost six pounds (in seven weeks) at slimming club. (Would have been more but still drinking quite heavily.)

Found fab denim outlet but had to try jeans on behind saloon style doors. Exposed lower part of legs complete with Bart Simpson socks and hole in toe. (Son’s socks, dog hides mine.) Tried too hard to get jeans on with haste, fell against doors - fell through doors - fell to ground. Spotted by immensely gorgeous man seeing me in waist high, turquoise cotton pants - having not prepared bikini line for this eventuality. Gross! Very embarrassed. Left shop as quickly as possible, decided to forget diet and do lunch.

Mental note: must wear thong on next shopping expedition.

Hit traffic twice this week. First time didn’t call Team Leader, he didn’t notice I was late. Second time did call Team Leader, he told me to not be late. Felt very insignificant.

Made a big effort to get to know Adam (eldest son age almost 18). Didn’t go too well as I washed his jacket on a 60 degree wash, also his mobile phone. Compensated for this by making him honey roast ham sandwiches. Got negative feedback as I cut them into triangle quarters to let him know I had prepared them with total love. Didn’t go down too well with other boys at college apparently. Oh dear. Jez equally cross with me as I polished his skateboard - apparently it had taken him three weeks to ‘break it in’ and I had ruined everything - totally baffled by that one.

Mental note: will try very hard to try less hard.

Visited Rose to return steam cleaner. Assisted her with relationship traumas by texting her ex partner/toerag on her behalf. I had him for a moment - he really believed it was she! Wondered why I couldn’t send such texts to my exes? Rose indebted, told her not to worry, she had lent me her cleaner. Big difference I guess. (I removed dog shit - her former love/toerag returns!)

Text> what the hell are you playing at you moron?

Reply> rose is this you?

Text> who were you expecting? either you want me or you don’t - cards on table toerag

Reply> I love you rose xxx

Text> take me out for dinner, let’s talk - you drive - you pay

Reply> ok and thanx xx

Mental note: Rose is slimmer than me because she doesn’t like cooking. I need new hobbies. Still, I am better at texting!

Had a little chat with Jez about his favourite food. Subsequently, put entire fridge contents into freezer then bought more baked beans and pizza. Dog’s bowels radically improved, pleased about that - killed two birds with one stone.

Sophie handed in her notice, entire team most upset. I admired her, wondered how she would be better off on benefits? Didn’t like to ask. (Still wondering though.) I don’t know whether work will be the same without her but hey-ho life goes on and I guess her affair with the Team Leader didn’t help. Well it wasn’t so much the affair but the fact that he told her he loved her, bedded her on several occasions, befriended her 3 year old daughter then went back to his ex who he supposedly despised with a passion - very strange. I think this may have contributed to Sophie’s resignation.

Mental note: look passion & despise up in dictionary - see if they have any connection by description?

Received credit card bill. Couldn’t remember what I had purchased, must have mistaken it for debit card? Went online to check statement, discovered I had been shopping for a whole month with wrong card. Was relieved about the minimum payment scheme. Made conscious decision to use it more often, my trusty new plastic friend - this way my wages will go even further - GREAT! No more inferior brand baked beans and burgers!

Carl - Adam’s friend (a little dim at times), asked me if I knew anybody who would employ him. Texted Neil who was looking for an apprentice - got him job! Felt quite proud and also sneaky as this gave me the opportunity to find out more about Neil’s day-to-day activities. Just hoped Carl would pick up the ability to fit floor tiles quite quickly.

It’s not that I can see a future with Neil; in fact he doesn’t even know I crave his manliness. I just have a crush, a crush that will not go away until I have got him out of my system - at the moment I just cannot manage this. He has nice teeth, exquisite eyes and a gorgeous bottom and I love it when he pops in for tea covered in dust with ripped jeans and a tape measure fastened to his thick leather belt. It’s healthy to have male friends - I just wish I didn’t want to sleep with him so much. Yummy - the thought! But then, am sure he would laugh at my stretch marks and that would spoil everything Nice thought: unless No7 bring out some revolutionarily foundation especially for scarring of the abdomen in which case I will be a complete whore.

Text> hope carl does well neil

Reply> is he a hard worker tee?

Text> Oh yes, the very best - does my gardening every week - works for charities too!

Reply> i take your word for it - thanks for finding me someone so quickly tee!

Text> No worries - what are friends for - do you want to come for tea?

Text> hi carl. If neil asks, you do my gardening.

Reply> huh?

Text> just do it

Reply> do what

Text> you do my garden - believe it and say it

Reply> huh?

Text> oh forget it you nerd

I am becoming more resourceful and focusing on homely duties, like my garden for instance. Borrowed neighbours lawnmower. Realise it’s time to purchase my own but resent having to spend money on a task (mainly) for males. They seem to enjoy it more - in fact you rarely see women mowing the lawn...

Considered putting house on market - have started noticing pot plants whilst driving to work, imagining a pretty Victorian two up two down with a brick terrace covered in Mediterranean artefacts - and no grass at all. Nice thought. Booked valuation and returned lawnmower as sadly it rained that day so treated myself to a bottle of wine instead.

Text> hi tee can do your hair next wednesday at 6pm - lottie x

Reply> anytime after thursday would be great

Text> thought you said your roots were desperate!!

Reply> do you take credit cards?

Text> sorry fully booked only got wednesday free

Reply> ok then do you accept cheques?

Reply> no but I do credit - get the kettle on!

Finally managed to get sin-free Vegetable Balti from Asda - what a result! Decided to take the plunge and buy their entire stock, as promised, for all twenty-six members of slimming club. Called Club Leader to notify. Only realising on arriving home that in my haste I had in fact purchased fifty portions of Chicken Balti! Each containing 1800 calories. Oh dear. (Glad I paid by credit card.)

Mental note: must lose at least 1lb so club leader isn’t angry

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Sunday 25th January

Inky Leaves Teddy with Neighbours

Not impressed with hair foils. Asked Lottie to make it a little darker. It’s now a muddy platinum blonde. Oh well, will put toner on it tomorrow. Think Lottie had a bad hangover as she forgot to cut it. To be honest, didn’t really want her to as her hands were trembling and she had to keep sitting down. She said she was still rushing?

Mental note: Must wear warmer lipstick and sort out pastel eye shadows from junk in kitchen drawer.

Inky quietened down. Not enjoying dry dog food but haven’t had need to borrow steam cleaner this week. Popped to see Rose, she is thinner than ever and is becoming a little vain. She now looks in the mirror whilst talking and only discusses men. I think she needs a hobby - have suggested cooking but she is on a grape and tuna diet. Had to tell her she looked nice three times before we went out. She didn’t notice my new top and boots - oh well.

Attended Slimmers Club. Hadn’t lost any weight but sold all the curry. Everybody most impressed I’d purchased wrong option as this gave them an excuse to sin due to feeling very sorry for me. Club leader not too happy, so I promised to buy a vegetarian cookbook and magazine with the money. He perked up a bit then. Am feeling a little curious as to why we all have to speak about our week and he tells me that if ever I want to call him he has his mobile on 24 hours a day?

Am missing Sophie at the bank - nobody else seems to enjoy a giggle. May look for another job, doesn’t seem any point in being there now. Adrian appears to have taken a shine to Jane - even though she is a size 18 plus.

Mental note: Must show a little cleavage at work, may have better impact than power dressing. Will find pads for wonderbra and sort out any plunge neckline tops I may have from last summer.

Text> hi tee. carl always has a runny nose

Reply> maybe he has a cold, is everything ok?

Text> he falls asleep in van, dribbles and gets snot everywhere

Reply> oh dear

Text> thought you said he was handy

Reply> ?

Text> he doesn’t know what a screwdriver is and can’t use a tape measure

Reply> do you want to come for tea?

Text> can’t am three jobs behind - had to book B&B for four more nights

Reply> you seem really busy

Text> yes - training carl!

Reply> oh dear

Decided to bond with sons. Took them for pizza, neither wanted to come but seemed pleased enough when they got there. Ordered a meal deal but there wasn’t enough for me so felt positive about diet. Spoilt it with bottle of wine on returning home but still a good move as chatted to nice man on internet. Sent my photo, he liked me. Am still waiting for his but he sounds good. Feel very sorry for him as wife left him and he got the sack for something he didn’t do - what a shame. Made me feel glad I had a mortgage.

Mental note: Must go on internet more often, helps to develop my social skills and be less judgemental. Bet he is gorgeous. Will do photo shoot at weekend to show me at my best. Glad I found wonderbra and plunging necklines.

Had house valued - decided to put it on market. A new start will do me good and allow me more financial flexibility. I will be sad to sell this place but feel it’s time to consider something smaller as the boys are hardly at home these days. A little concerned it will alter my status as I like the whole idea of being detached but also feel detached from society. May meet new people in terrace type property. Have missed not hearing neighbours living normal family lives. It gets very quiet here when my sons are out playing - well not out playing - out being pubescent.

Text> hi tee its sophie just had to sign on, it was dreadful got big form to fill in and man treated me like a criminal

Reply> sounds terrible. maybe a lot of them are? at least you will get free milk now

Text> its not my fault i cant afford to work - i don’t want free milk, i want a boyfriend

Reply> i have some chicken curry for you here. have you got any plunge neckline tops at all?

Mental note: Must stop talking to dog and texting friends I never see. Will focus on getting out more.

Had two viewings already, one being a very nice Asian family. However, not too happy with all six of them going through my drawers and cupboards - they seemed intrigued when my belongings fell all over the bedroom floor. Am sure they saw something that belongs to me of a private nature. Sophie said most women have one so I guess they probably do too? Wasn’t as embarrassing as my BBQ last year when Inky brought it downstairs - switched on - Adam was so embarrassed he kicked it down the drain and you could still hear it!

Mental note: look on internet for Rampant Rabbit - hear they are very good indeed - buy Sophie one to cheer her up - oh and get discount for multiple order!

Cleaned entire house from top to bottom including skirting boards and on top of kitchen cupboards! Found catalogue open on ladies underwear page underneath Adam’s bed and some crinkled toilet roll. How strange. (Hope he isn’t cross-dressing? You never know these days.)

Mental note: Must buy son some nice manly boxer shorts with button fly detail. Will try to be more fatherly. Will go online and find forum for single parents, ask them what they think about it.

Boys went to their Father’s for the evening. Don’t think they saw much of him as he and his wife always go out at weekends. Boys watched films with their stepsister. Apparently they stayed up until 5am as the two they wanted to watch didn’t start until the early hours. How weird that Sky puts children’s films on so late. Must be for countries with different time scales or something? Good idea really.

Wanted to have a word with Mark when he dropped them off about Parent’s Evening but I think he was in a hurry and must not have seen me running out of door. Dog escaped at same time and didn’t come back for half an hour. Was returned by neighbour who didn’t look too impressed - apparently Inky had got in via his backdoor and jumped on bed. He said that his girlfriend didn’t like animals. I apologised but wondered why they were in bed during the day - what a waste of mild weather!

Suggested he locked back door in future - he said he had - that he got in through the cat flap and had also left a chewed up teddy on the bed. I told him to throw it away as it had served its purpose and was beyond repair. He looked at me in a really strange way - made me feel uncomfortable but then I remembered I still had Immac on my upper lip. He didn’t give me time to explain, just walked away shaking his head. Guess he must have been cold though - he was only wearing shorts and a vest, but even so, how rude!

Email/
Dear Parents
Feeling a little isolated. Quite cut off in fact as haven’t been out for a while. Can you possibly look after sons at some point so I can mingle with other people my age outside of the work place? Don’t quite know where I am going or who with but will keep you posted when I have sorted something out. Tee. X

Email/
Tee
I am out most evenings but we will see what we can do. Surely the boys are old enough to leave now and you know your Dad likes a drink in the evenings. Some of the fish are as big as baby sharks!
Mum

Email/
Mum
It’s not the boys I worry about leaving. It’s what could happen to my house. Don’t worry if you’re busy I will just be a spinster.
Tee.

Things To Do

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Monday 2nd February

Snogging Italians

Hey-ho - have got interview next week at a car finance company. Sounds promising, particularly as I am already in sales for the bank and the best in my team. Fingers crossed and let’s hope there are some nice new people to meet and a substantial salary increase!

Mental note: Will have to buy new suit, court shoes and real leather briefcase. Must find glasses to look sophisticated and intelligent. Will start taking more care of nails. Will cleanse, tone and moisturise twice a day and also prepare CV and leaving speech.

Heard from parents. Must get in touch and stop being bitter about Mark (ex hubby) still being the manager of their factory and him marrying Jody (once) my friend, taking her to company functions etc and doing all the things that we never did - this is mainly due to the fact that I was either, pregnant, overweight or breastfeeding.

And after all, I did introduce them two years after our divorce - it wasn’t as if they already knew each other - well, at least I don’t think they did! In fact I’m actually quite joyful he is happy - has a nice big house with land and a family environment to share with my sons on the odd occasion they get to stay over. Trouble is they aren’t allowed to take friends as Jody says ‘all boys smell’ so I tend to have them and their buddies here most weekends and throughout school and college holidays.

Mental note: must start laying down rules with boys - eg on Saturdays I will be allowed in the lounge, on Sundays I can watch TV. Sometimes I can play my music. Also ask sons why they never stay at their friend’s houses.

I actually went out this week. Felt a new lease of life due to job opportunities and enhanced cleavage. Hair now lifted a shade and three sunbeds later I feel good. Decided to visit local nightclub. Resented queuing at first, but actually best thing I have ever done as I met Piero. Tall, olive skin, shoulder length hair, green eyes, sleek physique. Stylish clothes, gorgeous aroma and completely Italian - what a result - oh yes!

Rather embarrassed when eldest son picked me up in my car whilst Carl drove. Was stuck to Piero’s mouth like a plunger having no idea how long they had been waiting (and watching). Adam told me he was glad I had enjoyed myself and admitted that he also kisses people. Asked Carl how work was with Neil - he said he thought it was OK but Neil shouted a lot. I did notice that his nose was dribbling rather profusely - oh dear.

Mental note: hope Carl tells Neil I was petting with a ‘European Hunk’ - how cosmopolitan!

Have seen Piero twice this week. Taking diet far more seriously, in fact have no appetite. Was beginning to give up on ever finding a suitable kissing partner having received the photo of the mystery man I found on the internet. Not one to judge by looks but despite the fact that the photo was three years old and taken on a Mediterranean coast line, he still looked like something that would make your hair stand on end should you bump into him after dusk. The first few seconds of download seemed to reveal a bigger and bigger forehead, so much so that I started to wonder whether it was another part of his body. Thank God the eyebrows started to appear! His facial features were about as compact as those of a lizard. Needless to say I didn’t respond and was rather annoyed that he had completely failed to fit the description he’d given me. In fact, he was barely human...

Text> had terrible day, walked through town with four bottles of full cream milk, the pushchair and an economy loaf - can’t cope tee

Reply> oh sophie it will all be ok - you can freeze milk - I froze my breast milk - it keeps for as long as 3 months

Text> I miss the bank but don’t miss ryan he is back with her and she is pregnant he must have still been sleeping with her

Reply> you are far more sophisticated, it won’t last - maybe it’s not his

Text> he said that too - tee - I still love him

Reply> it won’t last she is nothing on you sophie, be strong. just thought - you haven’t got a freezer. buy some tupperware - make rice pudding

Haven’t paid much attention to Adrian this week. Strange as he seems to notice me more now. Jane’s husband sent her a bouquet of flowers to work and I suppose Adrian got the hint - well, that somebody loved her. Had chat with him in the canteen, he had a fixation on my crystal pendant. Don’t know why he found it so interesting as the crystal was buried in cleavage. Made sure everybody at work heard me mention Piero, the tall dark Italian.

Text> my dearling, you to me are sunshine and so many kissing

Reply> that is nice thank you how is your day?

Text> today is a day for me to think about being loving with a prince

Reply> are you gay?

Text> oi yes am veri happy you will be my prince for all frogs

Reply> I think I understand thank you see you later

Rose says I should be careful that I don’t get hurt. I don’t know why she says this as she is always getting hurt and seems to enjoy it - toerag dumped her again so she is stalking him. I said I wouldn’t go with her anymore, as it is guilt by association. She has lost yet more weight and has bought some leather trousers and several glittery tops. Her conversation still doesn’t go beyond what she looks like and she now puts lipstick around her lips as well as on them. I don’t like to tell her that she is starting to look like a blow up doll.

Mental note: a social life is worth the extra housework and groceries to feed other people's children.

We went out and when I met up with Piero she didn’t seem too impressed and kept telling me to move away from him. I didn’t really want to, particularly as she had attracted three body poppers with lots of gold jewellery on. If anything this encouraged my plunger-like behaviour for fear of looking available to her new friends. Doormen interrupted me to ask if I would pick Rose up off the dance floor. She had tried to demonstrate her break-dancing skills and tripped two onlookers up in the process. Nearly brought the club to a standstill. Informed Piero she was more of a fair-weather friend - don’t think he liked her much as she knocked her drink over his linen shirt on her way towards the dance floor with the body poppers. Mental note: Must remind myself not to miss Piero when he leaves England to sell his textiles to the world - he is international. I am not. This is a holiday romance even though I live here and Piero is working. I will never afford to eat out like this again. Must make the most of it even though I am not hungry, it’s all so wonderful. Will save every text message so I can never forget being special.

Received email from Debbie (oldest friend). She is blissfully happy having emigrated to Canada with her hubby and four children. She says she doesn’t see much of the family now that she has the farm. Sent me video clip of chickens, four alpacas, two potbelly pigs, three dogs and a cat. One of the children walked past but I didn’t get to see her face as Debbie told her to get out of the way so she could video the pony. Sure she has a beard growing - Debbie that is, not the pony. Really glad they are all happy, must get out there to visit. May want to go to Italy though. Boy, is my life getting busy?!

Hopefully will have new job next week and a social life that continues with my gorgeous Italian snogging partner, (wow can he kiss?!). Am considering other things - things that go after kissing, it’s been a while!

Mental note: Look on internet for tips on foreplay and seduction - make notes.

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Wednesday 11th February

Women of the Night & Superstars

Had interview. Got job, they told me next day! Very pleased, told bank and they asked me to leave straight away so grabbed biro collection and beanie babies. Was very shocked about this but guess it is procedure so didn’t take it too personally. My team took me out after work and Adrian came along, he also paid. I sat opposite him and I have to say I will miss him a great deal. He gave me a reason to make that extra step with my appearance; he also made me discover my cleavage. I did it all for him. Pity he is married, probably wouldn’t have left my prestigious job in sales as a B4 Banker otherwise - maybe would have flirted more but I appreciate the value of marriage and also couldn’t survive on the poor salary. If you are wedded, stay faithful or get divorced. He is nuptial, I am not and neither is Piero - well at least I don’t think he is?

Text> i will meet you in our favurite restroom at 9am.

Reply> ok darling, our favourite restaurant this evening. I understand. Kisses.

Text> tonight I want to show you my laptop and photo of china and world

Reply> see you later then.

Got on really well with Piero. Can’t stop thinking about him. So much so I forgot to pick Jez up from school. Felt really guilty, as although he is nearly 16 I have never let him walk home alone. Sophie says its character building and I should let him walk more often but I would much rather have peace of mind knowing he is safe and also this is the only quality time we get to spend together. If I didn’t have my car I don’t think we would ever speak again apart from when he asks me the occasional question - for instance whether I have any money or what is for dinner and what time I am going out.

Went back to Piero’s hotel room - GOSH! Felt really nervous about this so drank lots of wine over dinner. Good job I went back with him as he had to virtually carry me and I don’t think I was fit to find my own way home. Needless to say I fell straight to sleep and woke up fully clothed with his arms around me. He wore cotton pyjamas with polka dots on and smelt divine. I didn’t look so great, felt self-conscious so sneaked out of room and made way home at 7am. Got funny looks from night porter and receptionist. Didn’t realise I had red lipstick all over my cheeks and black mascara smudged around both eyes yet sadly we hadn’t even managed foreplay - oh no!

Mental note: Must make a point of returning to hotel with Piero and have drinks in lounge bar. Prove to staff we are together and I am not a woman of the night. This is very exciting. I wonder when he is leaving Leamington Spa, must ask, don’t want to though. :-( Also - stop drinking and focus on passionate sex with Italian stallion!

Text> you didn’t tell me carl couldn’t read and write. he randomly cut floor tiles wrong way round - ruined 20 square metres in 3 hours

Reply> oh dear neil. how are you, do you want to come for tea?

Reply> no thank you. haven’t seen my son for two weeks. got him tonight if I can get home in time

Text> has he been on holiday with his mum?

Reply> no still training carl to use a tape measure - 6 jobs behind now

Text> am sorry i thought he was a hard worker he did my garden beautifully

Reply> have to go Carl cut hand open - hospital job!

Have stopped fancying Neil so much and started to remember the two dates we had before we decided to just be friends. He sat at the dinner table texting 3 ex girlfriends, it was like watching a juggling act and he got my name wrong twice. I mean how can you get the word Tee wrong, it’s not exactly a mouthful! Then he let me pay for dinner (as he was outside on mobile), we went back to his for coffee where Sindy, his ex wife turned up intoxicated claiming that she must stay the night as she was being stalked by her boyfriend.

For nearly a year I hoped he would change, I waited patiently. This is before Piero of course. Now it is better - we are just friends and I can be one of the girls he texts whilst out with his new victim. I just wish I didn’t want to sleep with him so much - oh well. Good girls say no and that I have done - twice! Trouble is as I made my cool exit to my awaiting taxi I tripped over his sons bicycle and sprained my wrist whilst revealing the gusset of my tights that was hanging inches away from my crotch.

Mental note: I must start buying a size larger, why do tights shrink as you are wearing them? Strange.

Had offer on house from the large family that went through my cupboards. Am a little dubious as they are cash buyers and still haven’t given my estate agents their solicitor’s details. Have accepted a slightly lower offer than would have liked, decided to go with it. Have found a smaller house and put in a much lower bid that has also been accepted so it’s all go for me. Am very excited, trying hard not to feel like my life is the one I have always wanted, don’t want to tempt fate.

Mental note: will not start packing until Piero goes home. Want to make the most of him. Will sell furniture on internet and start all over again. Am feeling more contemporary - will go for natural fibres, oak floors and neutral walls.

Inky jumped out of car window at local shops. Found his way into chip shop, behind counter then got evicted via back door, came out smelling of chip fat and looking rather shaken. The owner sounded hysterical - what a fuss! Can’t remove the smell having bathed him three times - that’ll teach him to scavenge!

Text> tee, am down to last tin of beef chasseur before i resort to inferior brands. leather sofa going to be repossessed - getting an average of 3 bailiffs a day

Reply> do you want to do lunch on saturday

Text> yes but not fast food, only do wine bars - got no money

Reply> my treat sophie, see you at 1pm

Text> will dress smart casual and accessorize can’t wait tee!

Sophie met Piero. I didn’t realise how used to his broken English I had become. Maybe this is because we kiss a lot, as Sophie didn’t understand a word he said and he thought Sophie had a milk farm as she tried to explain about her milk tokens and how she had too much milk for two people. I told him about Olivia, (her daughter age 3) so he ordered a bowl of pitted olives, this was over dessert - he asked if the British always had olives with their ice-cream - heaven knows what he thought we meant - how bizarre! Nevertheless, he treated us both to our meal so despite the language barriers Sophie approved. Even more so when he gave us both tickets for Christina Aguilera for that evening as one of his customers had given them to him as a gift yet sadly, he had to attend his textiles event at the National Exhibition Centre so was unable to use them himself. It was a complete surprise! :-)

Christina was amazing! Sophie couldn’t stand up as her new boots had cut off the circulation in her legs (she bought them on credit and had lost the receipt). The huge man in front stood throughout the whole concert waving a fluorescent stick in the air so we had to rely on the plasma screens to see Christina. The people behind us were part of Piero’s team, all Italian and dressed with such sophistication. They talked very loudly and drank lots of beer but didn’t know we were associated so we didn’t join in and by now the big guy was swaying from side to side knocking everybody in all different directions. Sophie says he was common as he wore a plastic watch with lots of scratches on the face and we are sure it was him who kept passing wind. It smelt awful. I told Sophie not to shout at him but she didn’t listen and as Christina reappeared to sing her last song she told him to sit down and keep still so that we could at least see her perform one tune!

Life is good this week, being in love, mixing with the stars and no longer having sexual fantasies involving Adrian and Neil (sometimes at the same time - gosh!)

Mental note: buy ‘how to speak Italian’ on tape to listen to in car - may be leaving England at this rate - imagine - my second marriage in Milan!

All Woman!

Stretch Marks, cellulite I don’t care

Hello big cleavage you’re still there

Forget the diet, I’m losing weight

Have to dash; I‘ve got a date!

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Saturday 28th February

Been Dumped & Friend’s Dog Dead

Devastated. Had evening out with Piero, visiting our usual restaurant. He didn’t seem his usual self. He kissed me goodbye with more respect and far less passion than normal, then he stared straight into my eyes, sure he had water in his. He’s gone and I hurt. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time as this week I attended my five-day course at University learning to sell cars and finance to the sub prime market. Nevertheless, I suppose a completely new challenge has taken my mind off everything else. Am exceptionally proud of myself as I managed to pass all exams and impress our trainer. Very surprised that I was the only female on the course. Got lots of attention, I was assertive and pro-active. Hey-ho being heartbroken has its benefits. I had to beat those men and now I am equipped to be a tough loan shark executive type woman.

Text> tee, am so worried about you, are you ok?

Reply> hi sophie - piero left me and didn’t say goodbye. I am now a loan shark

Text> what?!!

Reply> have spent week with 26 men and i beat them all - call you later

I really feel for Sophie. She had to queue in a benefits office for three hours. The man behind her was inebriated and asked if he could take her daughter for a walk and the woman in front wore slippers and stank of urine. People had carrier bags full of lager tins and were sitting on the floor. Sophie told me she felt very overdressed and said next time she would wear a tracksuit.

Mental note: Must not give up on friends due to broken heart. Focus on career, get rich and reject all men - never visit Italy.

Seem to notice people in love everywhere and sad songs on the radio. It has been difficult to re-adjust to loneliness. Inky seems glad Piero has left, his behaviour has improved and he gets much more exercise. One good thing I guess, I have my good old mutt.

Text> hi neil, how’s life? piero dumped me

Reply> how come?

Text> don’t know he didn’t actually do it in person

Reply> what a COWARD - carl took wrong door off today and I met someone off that dating site!

Somehow managed to go off road whilst daydreaming, finding myself in a small ditch. Really shook me up, happened so quickly. Nice man stopped and helped me push car back onto road. Told him I’d just got dumped, he didn’t say much but gave me a business card and said call me anytime. Have never met a male therapist before. Wonder if he does pedicures?

Mental note: May send my Mum some flowers to compensate for being such a disappointment. This may change when I have a proper domestic situation and can afford to go shopping on Saturdays like real mum and daughter.

Picked up several days' answering machine messages only to hear house sale has fallen through. Inky sat on my torso and looked very disturbed by my tears, had little howl with me. Cheered myself up by finding ugly man on internet. Decided to tell him everything, he was very kind and told me had met a lady called Sheila who bred canaries and lived in a bungalow. Was pleased, relieved and bitter - how can a man with a head like a penis find love, yet I have nobody?

Text> hi tee, do you want to come to birmingham for a couple of days, we miss you. sean & mike.

Reply> been dumped - am devastated - nobody loves me

Text> who by??

Reply> doesn’t matter - see you at weekend.

Sean lives with his partner Mike and they are like my two big sisters. They are so in love. They recently lost their dog Charlie. He died at the vet age 22 that is about 150 in dog years - a long time for a Yorkshire terrier. Good job I visited as had to console them both all weekend. It wasn’t easy picking a 6ft 2 man up from the floor. They collect Charlie’s ashes next week. Mike will be planting a cherry blossom tree to commemorate his life. Decided not tell them that I may be bordering on a breakdown and I am now a loan shark but I did tell them that nobody loved me a few times.

Sorted out wardrobe. Put most of going out clothes in loft and arranged a selection of shirts and suits for my new position as a Car Finance Specialist. Quite nervous but looking forward to earning more money and getting out of overdraft and, of course, making new friends and hopefully a few flirtations - a whole new life in fact!

Positive thought: Not really a loan shark but like the sound of it - has a sort of mafia ring to it - makes me seem hard and resilient.

Having some little problems with Adam now 18 (but he didn’t want a party.) There is a funny smell in his bedroom and washing machine got clogged up with rizla packets. He doesn’t speak to me at all now but grunts a lot. Has some funny friends coming here. Noticed they all grunt in the same way, must be a part of puberty. (Hard to imagine my son with pubic hair and a deep voice.)

Mental note: Despite breakdown will try to develop my parenting skills. Will establish whether his voice has broken and if there is a chance he is smoking cannabis. Must speak to his father, will call him at work next week when I am in a stronger state of mind.

Text> we really miss you at the bank - why are you a loan shark?! love Jane xx

Reply> i am a finance manager - I sell cars to poor people

Text> sophie says you beat 26 men? Why are you hurting them?

Reply> no I beat them at university - higher marks

Text> WHAT?

Well it’s just great, now everybody thinks I am some kind of pervert and criminal. Oh well, at least it makes my life sound far more interesting than it really is - I just wish somebody loved me.

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Sunday 1st March

Red Lingerie & Camelot

Text> Sophie have won lottery pick you up in half an hour

Reply> !?!!!!!????

Text> it’s true! checked online, said I have won nearly 6K, our troubles are over

Reply> see you in an hour tee!

Having made extra special effort with appearance arrived at Post Office. Sophie in chocolate linen suit, Olivia sporting fake fur coat with red suede hat, myself - smart/casual incorporating cashmere twin set with matching scarf. Advised Sophie that whilst receiving my winnings she must shield me from onlookers to prevent me from getting mugged. Sophie pointed out that these things don’t generally happen in Warwickshire. Nevertheless I wanted to be sure of complete safety, as you can never be too careful these days.

On checking ticket, small elderly lady behind counter had the cheek to inform me I had won £81. Of course we strongly disputed this, as my computer never lies!

I recall her mouth like a bulldog’s bottom, her teeth rolling about in her ugly little head, proceeding to tell not only us but the entire queue, that in all of her eight years of working at the Post Office, nobody had every won that amount of money with just four numbers. Her tone of voice got louder and louder still - she looked so smug - this was her moment and she was going to make it last for as long as she possibly could! Took the cash feeling completely disheartened and told the revolting little troll (who was almost dribbling with pleasure) that I didn’t need the money anyway.

Left Post Office trying to make light of it all for the benefit of our ever-growing audience when Sophie fell from kerb losing heel to shoe.

Text> hi tee carl getting hang of things, uses a screwdriver

Reply> having great day won the lottery, only four numbers but a beginning!

Text> have to go carl slammed door, no handles on inside - can’t get out

Decided to use some of winnings. Treated Sophie and Button to lunch. Discussed betrayal and disappointment over nice meal. Olivia refused to eat sausages so shared our mussels. Three executive type men took a shine to her; on leaving they each gave her £1. Rather embarrassed as they caught Sophie and me shovelling sausages into our mouths. Suggested to Sophie she used the £3 for groceries. The bill was far more than anticipated but left large tip should anybody from Post Office scene be present, also gave Sophie petrol money to get home.

Very nasty thought: Bet that troll lives on raw black pudding and sheep’s eyeballs - how dare she humiliate me - a law abiding tax payer and finance executive!

Tried cyber sex on internet. Didn’t seem to have a great effect but I quite liked the idea of sitting in my bedroom typing away in ‘red lingerie’, even though I was wearing ripped pyjamas with baked bean stains down the front. Poor man on receiving end had no idea I had let Inky out and made a cup of tea during foreplay.

Mental note: never buy a webcam - it could destroy any chance of a real life boyfriend.

Plucked up the courage to face my heartache and walk past Angel Hotel, daydreaming about my time in room 32 (even though I did pass out). My beloved Italian disappearing into thin air - with not even a text goodbye or email to explain. Initially hated the bastard but now believe it is mysteriously romantic. After all, he evoked a passion in me that helped discover my sex appeal and now the joys of cyber sex. A great way to get male attention whilst remaining fully clothed and getting on with household chores - and of course all the time I imagine it is he - My Darling Piero. This takes my mind away from not being loved - well, for a while.

Text> tee, it’s mum and dad

Reply> wow, you can send text messages!

Text> no aunty amy is doing if for us - your phone is always engaged

Reply> oh, I do a lot of work on the internet now

Text> log off and call now please

Met up with parents for supper. Took boys along so couldn’t really explain how heartbroken, poverty stricken and unhappy I was. Made light of it by detailing I was now an executive and sold prestigious cars and finance to poor people. Didn’t like to tell them I thought I had made a bad career move.

Eldest son popped into bar to play pool and on return smelt of some kind of herbal incense.

My mother asked my opinion on time-share in Tuscany. I tried to be enthusiastic whilst wishing I could afford a holiday. Decided after last year’s disaster in Blackpool to save up and have one extravagant trip abroad in about five years time. There was no way I was going to put myself through the humiliation and shame of staying at another holiday camp with what I now realise are sub prime people. The types who are covered in love bites and call their children ‘w*nkers’ and ‘little fuc*ers’ and other words that I refuse to write down as my grandchildren may read this one-day. (That is if I have them - hope so!)

Mental note: must remember to follow up conversation with ex hubby regarding son’s behaviour and funny smells. Will ask boys for his landline number; find confidence to speak to Jody his wife who clearly detests me. I know this because when I wave at her she looks away and drives off. And to think I let her marry my ex husband!

Email/
Hi Tee - your dad and me are worried about you. Dad said you seemed distant - he thinks you may be gay - we are very open minded you know. The 60s were days when anything went and I did have a little dabble but don’t tell your Dad. Aunty Amy thought about a sex change but it was just her hormones - she is fine now. I forgot to tell you, your brother Jason is living on a barge - he is studying to be an ecologist but your Dad thinks he may be dropping out of society. He doesn’t comb his hair anymore and it looks like a Rastafarian type style - ever so matted and it’s so long he can almost sit on it. He called us at 4am this morning asking if he could make an appointment for two fillings and a scale and polish - most odd. Have we done something wrong as parents? Mum & Dad.

PS Dad just said if you are lending people money watch out for turf wars and hit men. It’s a tough game out there Tee, I think women should be allowed to carry a pistol myself.

Tea

When I watch a movie I like to drink tea
The trouble is I haven’t got anybody
To ask what happened during the film
Whilst I was waiting for the kettle
This makes me feel sad sometimes
I never get to watch a whole movie
Because of this I will buy a flask
I will stop feeling sorry for myself
Nobody loves me.

Mental note: try to make poetry rhyme and sound much better when I read it back to myself - not very good at all really. Wish I were a poet or is it was a poet?

Well if you enjoyed that, do let me know and there will be much more to follow.
Tee Foley x

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Wednesday 10th March

Why Do Men Prefer Udders?

News Flash! Arrived home from a hard day at work much earlier than planned, caught Adam smoking cannabis in the garage with his grunting friends, all covered in great big yellow zits. Lost temper and asked my uninvited guests to leave, they appeared to be glued to the garage floor. Hastily got hosepipe and squirted them all on a jet wash. Had good result - friends fled, Adam ran up to his bedroom.

Called Mark whilst Adam used dreadful swear words. Told him to remove him from house immediately as could no longer cope - by this time Inky and me were barricaded in my own bedroom whilst sodden and very cross son tried to force entry - am sure he was going to murder me in cold blood. For once Mark actually arrived to take action and took him away - he had no choice as I told him I was going to jump out of the window.

Text> jez stay away from the house adam has gone mad I am locked in my bedroom

Reply> whats for dinner?

Spent evening crying, wishing my Grandmother were still alive or that I lived nearer to Sean & Mike.

Had long bath, stared down and flabbiness and then up at ceiling, I prayed, Inky howled like a little wolf - never seen him so upset.

Treated Jez and me to Chinese, ordered four meals to avoid delivery charge, ate three of them and Jez’s left overs. Gave dog small bowl to cheer him up. Both Inky and me suffered terrible wind for two whole days. Jez was fine but not too happy with toxic fumes.

Guilty thought: Feels strange being able to sit in my own lounge and not hide best food under bed. Never do I want to hear another rap tune or get dog ends stuck up my worn out Dyson - it was like living in the Bronx - but I do miss him though, my big boy. Will I ever cuddle him again? Even worse - will he ever like me?

This week experienced a very scary moment - terrifying in fact!

Woke up early hours of Tuesday morning in total darkness, freezing cold bedroom. All street lamps fused, not even my alarm clock was on.

Trembling with fear, I made way to Jez’s bedroom with dog under feet then quickly demanded he got dressed and came into bed with me. Told him we were being haunted.

Jez reluctantly gathered his quilt and got in other end of bed with Inky quivering between us. Two hours later all lights suddenly came on!

Jez said it was a power cut and not to tell anybody what had happened as they may laugh.

Text> have had to sack carl

Reply> oh dear - are you ok

Text> he has some kind of mental block and dribbles - is he on drugs?

Reply> oh dear I don’t know - sorry

Text> why didn’t you tell me he was strange

Reply> didn’t realise - they all grunt the same

I feel awful about Neil - it was my entire fault. I just hope I haven’t lost his friendship - I couldn’t bear to never see his baby blue eyes and gorgeous bottom again, and my chances of a new floor are definitely out of the window now that he is twelve jobs behind and hasn’t got an apprentice - I feel I have made him sub prime. I know we have a jaded past but he certainly doesn’t deserve this.

Mental note: maybe I should send him a friendship card or buy him some chocolates to cheer him up. He must be so angry with me.

Decided to move on from cyber sex as by now I am realising that once you’ve done it a handful of times, it loses its sparkle. So decided to broaden my horizons and venture into my very first online chatroom as this was surely easier than looking through heaps of profiles to make nice new friends.

Very frustrated to discover lots of people sending hugs and kisses but not saying much at all. Spoke to man who lives in Harlow, sounded quite nice but kept calling me ‘babe’ and asking if I had a webcam.

Thought: People must spend a lot of money on electronic equipment; wonder if they go out to pubs and things?

Finding it very strange but a good way to make new contacts that are also alone but (sadly) exceedingly hideous ones - however it is teaching me not to be so particular. Am considering setting up my own web page with advice on how to communicate in chatrooms. I feel many could benefit from my wisdom and suggestions - not to mention handy tips on getting on with menial tasks whilst having cyber sex. I would also suggest that they spend lest time sending hugs and kisses and actually try to string a few sentences together.

Adam still not talking to me. Sent him long heart-felt letter expressing concerns about smoking cannabis, suggesting he started a new hobby like a swimming club or playing golf.

He seems to think I live on a different planet. Am very concerned about him but don’t think that my words will have any effect. But I can only hope for better things like all good mothers do. However he is doing very well at college and has been accepted for a two-year apprenticeship in the automotive industry - how proud I am!

Despite being in his bad books, at least I know he wouldn’t have got it had I not fought so hard for him and called the recruitment consultant several times a day. Cost me a fortune in mobile phone charges as it always went onto voicemail and then lots of bleeps before I could explain the entire situation re: Adam was the best for the position, a bit about our family history, his grandfather being a high powered businessman and myself an executive, how he come from a broken home and our lives depend on him getting the job of his dreams, etc. I then resorted to text messages when there was no more space on the voice facility.

Mental note: Must not feel resentful that despite eighteen years of trying to be a good mum, I am now the wicked witch and Adam lives with people who hate me.

On a lighter note: had quote for patio area. Mud in house will be substantially reduced when dog has dry area to visit for toilet. Work will commence next month. I sometimes wonder whether the quotes would be reduced if I was less friendly and didn’t talk about how little I knew about manual labour.

Lady over the road said she paid five hundred pounds less for the same thing but the tradesman was a friend of her husband’s. I hovered for a while, waiting for her to offer his number but she didn’t. Am still hoping for an exotic holiday in about five years time but it seems increasingly less likely.

Nevertheless my new patio will enable me to have less time vacuuming and more time cooking. Just hope Inky gets used to using bowels on concrete.

Mental note: I wonder what they would have quoted me had I shown my cleavage? It’s amazing what a man will do for a pair of heaving breasts. Strange really as God gave them us to feed babies yet all of my online friends want to know my cup size. Perhaps it has something to do with the milking process. You know like cows have udders and bulls love mating cows.

I read somewhere that when a bull has made love to a cow, he moves on to the next one and it is not uncommon for one bull to have sex with an entire field full of cattle!?

Bit like a harem really - good way to associate breasts to man though. Men worship udders - they are two legged bulls that feel affection for breasts. Or perhaps it’s a mothering thing, takes them back to being suckled as babies - strange thought really - oh well. Nobody will ever know the answer but it baffles me as to why women pay to make them even bigger, perhaps they want to be special cows?

Ideal Thought: I wonder why we can’t simply grow boobies to feed our babies and then they go down again like our tummies after a menstrual cycle?

Text> can you get me some paracetamol and cat food

Reply> who is this

Text> Jason your brother

Reply> where are you?

Text> somewhere on the river avon

Reply> you seem confused jason

Text> the river is yellow and pink swans are prehistoric

Mental note: will make big effort to visit brother and see if he is ok. May suggest barge holiday to sons - we can bond and I can overcome my fear of boats.

Text> hi adam, I really miss you - mummy

Reply> stay out of my bedroom and get lost

Shopping list

Things to do

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Thursday 12th April

Single Mummy in Big Black Gorgeous Boots!

Who says the word SINGE PARENT oozes a life of monotony? Nope, because I rewrite the old regime, making way for the new. Despite a horror chamber in my garden and forever desiring an outdoor Jacuzzi, I make the most of life with my fake fur complete with salvaged boots.

Come on girls enjoy the second half of your time. I find with age I become eternally youthful.

(Well at least in my head I do, but my bottom seems to get bigger?)

1 AM: clad in sensuous attire, smelling like citrus orchards, eyelashes brushed to perfection, toenails glossy red, olive skin glistening, hair blonder than ever due to revolutionary shampoo for blondes.

Text> hi neil, i know it’s late, popping in for a glass of wine

Reply> WHAT !!!

Text> not wearing much underneath my fur coat

Reply> red or white?

Text> it’s black!

Reply> what is?

Text> my thong

Reply> i mean red or white wine? See you in five minutes!

Visited Neil, killed a few old scores, stayed longer than expected, all night in fact.

(Odd thought: Strange isn’t it that when we behave like complete whores, we have a sex slave forever?)

Wish I had have behaved like a complete bitch 18 months ago. But I was in love with him then.

Had smile on my face all week, he wasn’t the stud he had previously portrayed, five minutes and he couldn’t contain himself. (One nil to me Diary, very proud of myself.)

Text> tee its neil, you haven’t been in touch for a few days

Reply> what’s new?

Glad I stole thigh length boots from Rose’s bin liner awaiting collection, good move Tee, even though I say it myself.

Whoops... Dustman spotted me; Rose said she gets two free bin liners each week now, double whammy! I tantalise Neil she gets freebies. Fab-ul-ous...

(Mental note: Must buy more Brazilian Thongs, different colours, smaller size, loosing weight, I like the new me. Tee has become a tough executive, must not let anything get in my way.)

Text> mum, can I have a greenhouse?

Reply>you don’t like gardening!

Text> got some plants I want to grow, college project

Reply> you’re doing an engineering course?

Son has erected greenhouse behind shed, fortunately I have taken house off market.

It looks flippin’ dreadful, like a miniature torture chamber.

Don’t like to offend son as it’s the first thing he’s ever made, it’s knocked at least 5k of the value of my property.

Inky (the sod) spent entire evening in the vile construction, involuntarily, poor thing.

Somebody locked him in, so he spent eight hours on a diet of leaves and stagnant water. Still behaving strangely, must return to vets. It's like he’s on drugs?

He tried to mount Eric My Teddy Bear on Tuesday, got his penis stuck in Eric’s sweater; very embarrassing, as these things always seem to happen when my Mother pops in?

Mum wondered why I always draw curtains during the day, I told her I was ashamed of the garden, didn’t want her to see greenhouse.

Email:

Hi Mark, don’t like to bother you at work but am worried about Adam. He is your son too and even though you don’t talk to me, why I will never know but maybe it’s to do with the fact that you are ashamed that you married a so called friend of mine and still work for my Father.

Delete/ (oh shit, start again

Hi Mark, don’t like to bother you at work even though it’s my Fathers computer.

Delete/oh f*k start again, get to the point and tell him straight

Email:
Hi Mark, URGENT! Call me at home. I think Adam is taking drugs, dog maybe dying.

From A SINGLE parent.

Send I did it !

Mark called, had nice chat but avoided tender subjects, like his wicked wife and huge barn conversion. He is going to inspect garden and underneath Adams bed next week. Will leave parental diplomacy to him regarding this delicate matter.

Sophie appeared on doorstep with Button age 2. Took Button to park with dog, Button went on swing, dog ran into it, went sideways and ran into another, he was ok though, very strange.

At last! Sophie has a date with a Toni&Guy haircut type man, ripped jeans and defined muscle structure. Offered her use of boots and coat, it did the trick, hope I get fake fur back, cannot be a whore without it.

(Mental note: Due to increased income must explore possibilities of affording an outdoor, heated Jacuzzi, would have to situate away from greenhouse for fear of falling glass, may forfeit patio area for this luxury. Selling finance to the underprivileged does have it’s benefits, even if their cars do fall apart before they reach the end of the street)

Watched TV on Saturday, very peculiar, am in love with Will Young but he is gay, found Cat Deeley immensely attractive but she is not.

Concerned about my hormones, maybe I am bi-sexual or due to getting older, finding youth more attractive?

(Mental note: Must look on Internet for appropriate chat rooms, am possibly going a little mad along with dog and eldest son. It’s that bloody greenhouse, since it appeared everything has gone topsy-turvy?

Text>tee, do you want to come speed dating next week?

Reply>hi sophie, of course, sounds like fun

Text> if we go, don’t say I am bankrupt

Reply> bobs your uncle mate. can I have my coat back?

Text> no, not yet, sorry. heel fell off boot

Reply>oh no!

Text>It’s ok, he only bled a little

Reply>?

Text>Does Rose have any more footwear she doesn’t want?

Very excited about speed dating. More coming soon..Tee. X

Things to do:

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Tee's Diaries

What Happens Next?

But please, Very Nice People, we just can’t leave Tee here! As her extraordinary tales unfold you just won't believe what fate has in store with her random and sometimes naive escapades.

Unexpected situations not only incorporate her whole neighbourhood, but also the entire police force on MORE than one occasion.

So come on ‘Very Nice People’, read what happens when Tee has a list of admirers together with a few cruel twists that almost destroy her good will. But she learns the hard way and still keeps smiling - that is in-between short sobs and a near fire disaster wearing just her Wonderbra!

Mr & Mrs Bumbick save the day before Tee launches herself into a new career with Heidi, her downtrodden mate who has also decided to fight back. But first, I think they should find out exactly where they are going!

And then there is the dense farmer who leaves Tee to tend his sheep when, unbeknown to him they are being herded by ‘Inky the (infamous) dog’ onto the motorway during peak hour traffic.

I suppose you won't find it unusual to hear that Tee actually got trapped in her son's loft with her biggest fear, a nest full of baby sparrows. Her screams were so loud she brought her town to a standstill. Then Mr X comes to the rescue, but, sssshh, that’s the big secret, and all will be revealed - quite literally ... who is the tall dark stranger? You will find out with time, my dears, and YOU'LL just LOVE it!

Nevertheless it gets much worse before it gets better ... especially when you read about the mishap on her brother's barge with real pirates with filthy hair ... (well Tee thinks they are - especially when one of them decides she is his long lost Aunty Greta, thus becoming her stalker!)

With heaps of adventure-packed tales in this hilarious series, you have sheer entertainment guaranteed at the click of your fingertips, so put your feet up and let ‘Tee Foley’s Website’ do the rest.

Have you read Bad Dates & Strange Mates? It's sure to strike a nerve for all of us who have been on that date from hell. Of course, all names have been changed to protect the (not so) innocent. Incidentally, all of her Bad Dates & Strange Mates collection are completely true and, even more sadly, Tee is still doing her research - poor thing!

But who should be pitied more - Tee or her victims? You decide.

And then Tee's Girlie Chat is something totally different that crosses all boundaries and is based on e-mail and text conversations with some of Tee's more weird and wonderful friends.

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