Hello my friend - Here are just a few species of folk that are best avoided. Nevertheless, they have a strange habit of popping up when we least expect it, so please be warned. Let me know if you have experienced any of these peculiar characters or even worse: perhaps you are one yourself ... I do hope not!
This pig-like creature is small and round has a strong sprouting hairline. He has fat hands and chubby feet and likes to be surrounded by nice things, even though he himself is not at all appealing to the eye. His breath often smells and he enjoys raw steak. Read about my date with The Wild Boar. See if you have met one too or perhaps you are one yourself? Let’s find out more.
Profile: Jim Gabbins, age 42, likes beautiful women, Paris in the snow. Ideal lady would enjoy Opera, Theatre, Travel & the finer things in life.
Lots of e-mails exchanged for several weeks, followed by numerous phone conversations. His voice was to die for, almost regal with husky undertones YUMMY!
The Mercedes arrived on time; at first I thought he might have sent the gardener to pick me up - hoped in fact! As, much to my horror, this chubby little man sat clutching his wheel complete with severe side parting, bitten fingernails and beady little eyes. I had my local wine bar in mind, had even booked a table to be sure of a smooth night but there was no way I was going to be seen within 20 miles of Warwickshire with this beast from hell! Despite this, he seemed friendly enough; I did not feel threatened, just embarrassed to be seen with him, so suggested a drive into the countryside - this was after I directed him onto the motorway, as I had to be absolutely sure I would not bump into a soul I knew, not even vaguely. His daughter called and asked for a new jacket. Prada: £280. He said that was fine and confirmed the pick up for Dubai that weekend. Apparently he takes his children four times a year, as he is part owner to a 300-room hotel. All of this and I still found him repulsive.
We found a nice restaurant off the beaten track. I had a pasta dish whilst he had rare steak; he sent it back claiming it was medium despite the blood filling his plate like crimson gravy. The second piece was almost raw; he devoured the fat and all, whilst scooping his head towards his plate and talking with his mouth open. Using his fork like a shovel I caught a glimpse of two waitresses wincing with disgust from behind the curtain. Feeling extremely unwell, I told him I had lost my appetite. He had blood around his mouth as he drank out of my wine glass by mistake. Needless to say - I went off drink too (but I made up for it as soon I got home!)
We talked for a while about him, his children, and material wealth. All this time I tried not to focus on the bogie dangling from his right nostril together with a chunk of parsley stuck between his teeth. He visited the bathroom, returning with both still attached, so obviously not at all vain. He probably didn't wash his hands either. I wondered how somebody so well travelled had no social decorum whatsoever? No wonder he is still single. Oh come on; ask yourself how can any man with so much to offer in the way of luxury eat alone most evenings? If I had someone like that frequenting a restaurant I would put a trough outside and give him a pile of muck to sit on. I would have been more at ease eating out with the dog! I felt like a woman of the night out with a grotty little goblin, yet here I was, not even getting paid for the hardship. Makes me wonder how prostitutes stomach such revolting table manners? Or do they? Even if I was offered a sizeable figure, I still wouldn't want to sit watching someone devour a dead cow like it was his last supper. It was a real life horror movie unfolding before my very own eyes.
I should have taken him to Warwick Castle for the Medieval Banquet, at least then we wouldn't have looked so conspicuous! 'Forget the spit roast, he will eat it raw!' I would shout!
On arriving at my home (feeling rather nauseous) he lingered over his greasy steering wheel, telling me I had beautiful eyes. I could feel the pained expression on my face as I tried to avoid looking at the bogie still hanging from his nasal hair; I am sure it had got bigger. It was at this point I had to say, 'I am sorry, I know you have a lot to offer the right person for you, but I am afraid that after this evening I will never eat meat again.' Leaving the car and shutting the door I didn't look back.
Email: Tina Sorry if you didn't enjoy yourself tonight. Wasn't your pasta and chicken very nice? You should have had the steak. Let me know if you would like to keep in touch. Jim xx.
Reply: Look, you had a bogie up your nose all night. Your table manners were appalling and my name is Tee not Tina. It was like eating out with a Wild Boar - I would say vampire but on the face of things Dracula is visually more appealing. Tee. PS if you have avoided mad cow disease you are most fortunate. Oh - and get your cholesterol checked.
Wild Boar - never AGAIN!!!!
A Whinger is a person whose glass is half empty, never half full. They are constantly depressed, seldom interested in social affairs, music, movies, reading, or conversation. They like to dwell on their problems, as their troubles are the worst in the world. Whingers are people who turn up to get you down and can often tell tales.
I have a friend who is a really sweet person; the trouble is she is constantly miserable. She hates being single so will go out to her local pub every night if necessary until she finds a replacement for her last boyfriend. The trouble is most of her boyfriends drink in the same place, so there are only a couple that haven't dated her! It's a sort of Working Men’s Club, ideal for lazy or unemployed males and alcoholics, married men who don't like being with their wives, or men who prefer not to live at home. The same people seem to be in there 24/7. Your feet stick to the carpet, all the women behind the bar have badly dyed hair, huge breasts and chipped fingernails. There is a beer garden but nobody sits outside even in the glorious sunshine, they line up at the bar and round the pool table.
The same records play over and over again on the jukebox and all of the glasses are cloudy. There is a plasma screen for football, ripped seats and rickety tables. This is where Whingie likes to spend her time, what a waste! Her most recent partner moved away to run his own pub. I assumed it wouldn't be long before he returned as, not only is he a cheating womaniser, he is constantly drunk himself. Whingie travelled for 3 hours to visit him; he drank too much beer then decided to send her home at 1am. She slept in her car, turning up on my doorstep the next day in floods of tears until her phoned beeped.
Text: Sorry - it was the drink, come back
Reply: ok on way
By late afternoon she was back with him, only to wake up in the middle of the night finding the bed empty. Venturing onto the landing she heard lots of panting coming from the resident barmaid’s bedroom. He managed to convince her she suffered from asthma and he was helping her breath. OH COME ON WHINGIE, GET A LIFE! Eventually she decided enough was enough and returned to her local pub full of grots to find a fast replacement. But just like a bad rash, he re-appears, having lost his job for reasons he seemed reluctant to explain. Suddenly Whingie was, once again, flavour of the month and within a week he had moved into her house, contributing nothing towards the bills or groceries, but she was just pleased to be ‘loved’. Due to financial difficulties Whinger now has no social life. However, he gets out twice a week and it's pot luck whether he comes home on those evenings.
I decided to take Whingie out for dinner: my treat. We found a lovely country pub and she looked gorgeous: her hair down, sparkling eyes. I felt this was maybe the first time she had ever explored the countryside on her own doorstep or been taken out for dinner. I felt really sad for her. However, much to my annoyance, she refused to turn her mobile phone off and became exceptionally smitten by a sudden change in temperament from her horrid boyfriend. Suddenly he was sending her messages asking if she was having a nice time without him, and how lovely she had looked and how he couldn't wait for her to get home. He manipulated the entire evening. This man dislikes me, her Mother, and anybody else who cares for her well-being. I felt he sensed I would be trying to talk some sense into her, so persisted in ruining the occasion with the presence of his constant messaging.
I don't resent Whingie for this; I pity her, as deep down she knows that this isn't right. But then, who am I to tell her heart to stop ruling her head? All I can do is be there for her.
She dropped me off and thanked me for a lovely evening. Ten minutes later she returned in floods of tears; he was in her house watching footy with three mates and a girl she had never met before. He obviously didn't expect to see her home so early but after his complimentary remarks she couldn't wait to get back to him.
Every time I see The Whinger, I feel down in the dumps, I really want to help her but I know she will never listen. There are times when I make polite excuses not to see her and others when I am strong enough to help her through her tangled emotions. One thing I have learnt is it better to be alone than have a man for the sake of it. I have suggested that she explores the neighbourhood which she has lived in all of her life; finds a hobby, things to talk about, adopts a more positive attitude, as it does seem that negativity invites so many of the wrong people into our lives. What do you think?
The Weasel is usually male, is taller than average with a shiny nose and glasses. His ears go red when he is angry. Weasels can often have a nasal twitch and bulging eyes. They laugh nervously and love doing a deal. Weasels can be very crafty and like driving big cars very much indeed. Sadly, they are prone to road rage and fibbing.
Some years ago, I met a Weasel whilst out with the girls at a local wine bar. I was most impressed when he presented me with his phone number scribbled on to a £20 note, together with a bottle of champagne for us all to share. Naturally I had to accept, although to strangers I must have looked like I had sold my soul for rather a cheap price.
Two days later, having plucked up the courage to call his mobile, I discovered he was in the changing room at his local gym. I could hear the showers in the background and lots of guys chatting. Some days later he visited me for dinner. It was a pleasant evening although he popped to my bathroom and let off the loudest fart I have ever heard in my entire life - I hastily turned up the TV so as to save him any further embarrassment.
He left at a reasonable time and we started to date each other. I soon became Bonnie to his Clyde. This man was a car dealer and took me on his travels to various mechanical outlets. For most visits he used a different name. Cars were stripped down, rebuilt, and sold. I felt really sorry for his customers; particularly the man with the crowbar who looked like his head was going to explode with anger.
Often the Weasel would ask me to open his front door whilst he hid in his office. I used to want to hug most of these poor victims and agreed a gross injustice had been done here. I usually informed them I was the cleaner or the lodger. This eventually became so bad I decided that the relationship had to finish; I could no longer bear to see these poor people buying cars that fell apart soon afterwards. He then decided to pay one of his friends to stalk me for a while, as I am sure he thought I had left him for another. (After all, Weasels judge everybody by their own standards and, as they themselves cannot be trusted, they seldom trust others.)
I knew I was being stalked, as his criminal friend wasn't very good at it! The car followed me for four days and in the end I was waving at him and his girlfriend. I could lip read him saying to her, 'quick, let's snog’ in order to look like they were love birds who just happened to have travelled 20 miles to embrace one another on a main road in Warwick. I did my best to put an end to it.
Text: Can you ask your friends to stop stalking me? I have only been to the school and Sainsburys. Save your money.
Reply: What friend?
Text: The one who followed me around the supermarket yesterday, he even stood behind me whilst I waited for four slices of honey roast ham.
Eventually I decided that we could just be fair weather friends. By this time the stalking had stopped and I just got a few random phone calls where he would cry into his hand piece. I knew they were crocodile tears as he did the same with his mum when she told him that she wouldn't do his washing anymore. (This was brought about after four of her neighbours had approached the local MP as a result of the cars he had sold them.)
We visited a lovely restaurant but unfortunately didn't manage to eat there as the head waiter was Crowbar Man and he became infuriated on our arrival. Apparently he cycles to work now, having bought a car from the Weasel two weeks previously, poor man. Weasels are fun friends to have but certainly cannot be trusted, and are also prone to stalking. So please be warned: don’t have a relationship with this species and certainly never buy a car from one!
The Nerd is a nervous person who rarely takes pride in his appearance. They put all of their energy into one thing and strive simply to please their mother or to be just like their father. The nerd is a bit like a sleaze but with no personality outside of the work place. They are often cynical and self-opinionated. If you think you are a nerd, look away now, or if you know one, read on and have a jolly good giggle.
If you want to make a nerd cross, all you have to do is tell him he is wrong. He doesn't like people talking over the top of him, so make sure you shout extremely loudly. A nerd is a nervous time bomb, so be careful of any outbursts that could result in him saying things he will never remember but will surely mean at the time. Nerds can recite the dictionary if challenged to. They use a massive vocabulary in a very short space of time and only yell at people they can trust or bully, so many nerds prefer to be nerdish with women rather than men, as they believe them to be an easier target. The nerdish folk are therefore also cowards, and hide their evil side until they find a suitable victim to terrorize. If you get too involved with a nerd he will be very spiteful to you. In fact, he will enjoy making you cry as nerds get a lot of power from other people's emotions. This is because they haven't got any feelings themselves. That is unless they frequent the cinema, as nerds are often movie buffs. They generally love American soaps and dramatic yet corny serialised TV programmes.
This is due to the fact that a true nerd can only find excitement if it is virtual. Nerds sort of stand outside of life looking in but think they are cleverer than everybody else.
Nerds fear reality and are terrified of confrontation; they cannot equate a solution from the heart if there is no logical method. Emotional contact makes a nerd very afraid as it cannot be controlled and nerds need to be in be in command at all times, even in bed. Nerds very rarely scream for joy or jump up and down with glee. Instead a nerd will yearn for a logical resolution to a new riddle.
Oh yes, nerds love riddles but only the ones that they have an answer for. A bit like Sherlock Holmes, but far duller with no sense of humour and certainly not the types of people you would want to write books about. However, if you do quite like a nerd, be prepared to invest in some very basic outfits, for instance a pleated skirt and woollen waistcoat together with flat neutral shoes and clip snap handbag as you must impress his family. DON'T go over the top - if you do wear make up, keep it discreet. Nerds like you to be a whore at times but certainly not amongst his friends or family, people in the work place and public in general. In fact, you have to behave like a field mouse at all times unless the nerd tells you otherwise.
You can find nerds in public places, making speeches or selling services. Nerds are professional speakers and can be very flirty but are not very good at the relationship thing as a nerd is unable to sustain a genuine streak. This isn't because they don't want to; it is that they don't know how to, so a nerd must be pitied, not disliked.
Most people know a nerd, they are the ones that never wet themselves laughing and don't think it is funny if you have a bogey up your nose. A nerd takes life very seriously and likes to spend time being pampered by his family. If you have a relationship with a nerd, you won't get much fun, so invest in lots of toys and chocolate and don't forget to pour heaps of vodka into his glass to loosen him up. Hopefully then he may even show a human side to his robotic character (it may take a lot of vodka though).
So if you know a nerd, make sure you invest in heaps of books on self-resolve and logic to scatter around together with a large range of DVDs and please don't swear or crack jokes of a dirty nature. Nerds hate this. However, they do like to feel like children, so perhaps you could dress him in spotty pyjamas and chase him around the house with a pot of spiders. Nerds would find this very funny indeed. If this has struck a chord please read The Sleaze in this series - also very odd folk!
The Ugly-Wug, or Ugwug as it is more commonly known, is more often than not female. She can be a mother, another relative, or just a jealous friend but the Ugwug is a treacherous individual. Numerous famous and beautiful people are Ugwugs - if they were devoid of money and plastic surgeons they would certainly be horrific. Ugwugs use good populace as stepping-stones and rarely have bad luck.
I have met several Ugwugs in need of my attention. You will be able to see an abundance of this species in Selfridges, Harrods and Harvey Nicks, not to mention House of Fraser, side street label boutiques and of course, at airports. Ugwugs have very few hobbies other than spending money, unless of course they are entertaining and showing others their gorgeous homes. You will never spot an Ugwug at McDonalds, New Look or Asda. Oh no, Ugwugs only hang out near the people responsible for high calibre limelight.
If an Ugwug joins a gym they will attend at peak time wearing the very best sporting attire and only mix with those of similar status. Surprisingly enough, many Ugwugs come from low class backgrounds and are ashamed of their families. They may change their accent, their entire identity and seldom incorporate their previous friends and family in social gatherings.
Ugwugs are prone to jealousy, envy, and scandal-mongering. However, it would be very easy to think your Ugwug actually likes you, as they are very quick at pretending to be nice. They even give to charities, but only when other people are looking to see how much they contribute. They aren't like nice people who set up direct debits to give each month.
Oh yes! The Ugwug gives in wads at one time for the whole world to see. The Ugwug never stops to offer help to the distressed, has no time for other people's problems and if it hasn't got a price tag they don't want to see it. Ugwugs are rarely animal lovers but adore collectable stuffed toys; they also hoard costume jewellery, designer handbags, shoes and make-up. They do, however, pretend to like horses, as this is a status symbol. Although they may boast full riding gear they don't stand too close to the four-legged creatures and would never go near a shovel!
Ugwugs buy groceries that look good in the fridge, but throw them away on a regular basis. They watch their diets so they can indulge in three courses when they dine out whilst still maintaining their figures. After all, Ugwugs never - ever pay for meals but always choose the restaurant. Strangely enough, many Uggies don't recognise a good wine menu. This is because they seldom have any social class or decorum - sadly, it's all fake!
You will rarely see an Ugwug reading a good book or The Times. Nope, Ugwugs thrive on magazines with lots of photos of what the celebrities are wearing - and many of them are Ugwugs too! Many Ugwugs come out on Saturdays - this is the time when they can all see what other Ugs are buying and wearing, who they are dating and where to do lunch. So... if you're not an Ugwug I would strongly recommend you take full advantage of shopping during the week - Saturday is Ugwug Day and don't forget it!
Ugwugs don't have big personalities but can often delude others by thinking so - they are experts on what is the best TV drama, who has the latest seasonal colours and how easy it is to park a Porsche. They are able to discuss little else, as Uggies have never had major problems to deal with; they are totally unaware of what life is all about in the real world. In fact, they don't even know there is a real world unless it's featured in some kind of American soap or holiday brochure. They live by photographs, so if you want to get a message to your Ugwug, buy a good camera, and make sure it's of the highest standard, otherwise you'll soon be taking it back. Ugs rely on their husbands and lovers to do important things for them and if an Ugwug's hubby is having an affair, she probably won't mind as long as she has the credit card and walk-in wardrobe. Ugwugs love infidelity themselves, particularly with younger men, ideally fitness instructors or any fit bod regardless of intellect - in fact the dumber, the better - they have more in common.
Ugwugs are derived from Ugly Sisters, so they are probably exceptionally jealous of their daughter, sister and female friends. Basically anybody who has youth, intellect and creativity on their side will fall under attack, although you will always be guaranteed beautiful birthday presents. However, do not take the diminutive remarks too seriously, as she is probably lonelier than you will ever know and just remember: for all of that money and the gorgeous things around her she probably has never found her own heart. So Ugwugs must be pitied, never admired and obviously not trusted. >/p>
An elusive character that displays great affection towards you and then disappears back into his own world, (a bit like The Scarlet Pimpernel but much uglier). Sleazes are usually generous, inconsistent and very secretive with their mobile phones. A Sleaze never tells any one person everything. He scatters his personality very thinly and usually gets what he wants.
I have met several Sleazes most of whom have hurt me enormously, damaged my self-confidence and made me doubt just about everything I do and say. This is because if you get too close to a sleaze they will squeeze every little bit of emotion out from you, take it and run off. This is how sleazeballs get their energy: by stealing other people's.
The Sleaze is usually very good in business, is responsible with his family, a good parent but has a fairly low opinion of the opposite sex (apart from his mother that is). They can have obsessive natures and are very single minded, also sensitive and rather selfish. A Sleaze is capable of being a great friend, provided you do not become his lover or show vulnerability: this is when they strike, becoming vile and nasty individuals.
A Sleaze will punish you greatly if you doubt or question him. He feels this is unnecessary for two reasons: one, you are a woman and, two, he is an attentive lover and is capable of making you feel like you're a complete goddess (from time to time.) So if you are involved with a Sleaze you must not question his whereabouts - see him only when HE has the time.
Let him call you first, and of course accept that if you need some attention and it isn't convenient for him to give it, you should probably go somewhere else because a Sleaze is very busy leading his own life and you are on standby.
It's a "don't call me, I’ll call you" situation and it will never change, so fill your life with lots of things to occupy your time because you will have plenty of it.
When a Sleaze wants to be, he is charming, passionate, emotional and generous. However, don't get used to these wonderful qualities because a Sleaze can just as quickly become objective, critical and aloof - making all of the happy hormones disappear, throwing you into instant despair.
A Sleaze can control your feelings like you are a puppet on a string. The only way to accept a Sleaze is to enjoy the nice times he can offer you but be strong towards the bad. You will need thick skin and lots of self-esteem - otherwise he will break you and enjoy every minute of it. You will become addicted and then he will leave you feeling confused and self-doubtful before returning once more with his charm and appeal.
Accept that you will never know where your Sleaze is, you will never find out and if you question this you will be emotionally punished. The Sleaze rarely says sorry, if at all, and loves to see you in tears (over him).
Sleazeball will keep you separate from his day-to-day life although he will want to play a massive part in yours. He will tell your mother and friends he loves you - you will be his but only in your world. The Sleaze keeps his own identity very hidden away at all times, apart from in the bedroom of course.
A Sleaze will love your sex appeal, your independence and a healthy mind - sadly it won't be long before he starts to strip these things away, piece by piece, very slowly until you are truly his toy.
You will be told what you do wrong and seldom be given any praise although he will expect a great deal from you on demand. The positive thing about The Sleaze is that he breaks you down so much that when you put yourself together again you are worth ten of him and never go back. However, a Sleaze still roams for further victims. He cannot help it - deep down he is probably very unhappy, so he must be forgiven but only from a distance.
How to Spot a Jerk
Please use the following warnings as guidelines as you may well be on the verge of falling for a complete and utter jerk. If your man has more than 10 of these symptoms - he is definitely a big no no - so dump him and consider finding yourself something more suitable? Hold on tight, here we go...
On a dinner date, does he...
His Appearance: does he...
Annoying Habits: does he...
Well there you go girls and boys! Nevertheless, you may have a jerk that you happen to love so don't be put off. Have fun - and remember that no man is perfect - goes without saying really, doesn't it! Tee Foley.